Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

Reflection

2008-08-28T00:50:00.003+08:00

I just called my friend to wish her on her birthday and all I could her was a frail voice making sounds that I could not comprehend. I tried very hard to understand what she was trying to express but I failed. She continued to communicate with the varying decibels of the sound and I found myself at loss of words. Did not know whether to ask a question(I continued to do so however?) since the different sounds were incomprehensible to me.

She had met with an accident about 2 years ago with one tiny scar on her body as external injury and in a coma for more than two months. The doctors say she must be a very strong willed person to show such speedy recovery. At this point she can recognize people and groan and make all kinds of sounds to express her feelings. She is immobile since she cannot move her legs. They say her motor function is not working yet.

The last time I met her before her accident was just before I moved to Singapore and had spent a few hours talking about all the inane things in life. Through my break up she was a constant support after I moved here. I still remember the mails she would write and how everything she said would always make more sense. She was doing her PHD from AIIMS in psychiatry so she definitely knew how to deal with weak hearted people like me. And one fine day I hear about her accident.

Not a soul who knew her could not afford to get affected. I kept worrying about her for a few weeks and then life took over me too. I remember going over to Meerut to visit her which was purely on impulse and I remember all her family members continued to assure me that she is much better. She had difficulty remembering everyone so I was warned that she may have lost my face in all the other sensory disabilities that had followed.

I walked into her room and stood there motionless and while everyone in the room was trying to get a response from her I was not even bothered if she remembered me. I just wanted to run away like one wants to from all the difficult situations. My mind kept telling me to act calm but my face rejected all these instructions. Now I was worried she would get affected by my stone faced fixture.

I sat next to her and she continued to stare at me. I was trying to put on my fake smile and I never remember a fake smile finding it so difficult to stay on my face. And then she said something in her different sounds and moved hr hand towards me. She held my hand and held it rather hard and kept staring at me. I just wanted to cry and cry like I had never cried before but I kept smiling and her noises went from one tune to another. I wish I could comprehend what she wanted to say but I could not even guess.

I stayed at her house for an entire day and except when she was alone resting, she was holding my hand. I remember eating lunch with my right hand holding her hand. I could not believe I was seeing one of the most beautiful people I know going through the most dreadful life.

I felt extremely humbled by that experience and remember not complaining about anything in my life that did not go quite right for sometime. What could be worse than waiting seven years to get the family consent to marry the man she loved and then meeting with an accident just three months before her wedding and leading the life that she does until today?

Again speaking with her today, I feel that all the spite, jealousy, anger is so baseless. If you know you are going to die tomorrow, would you want to fight or make up with people who matter to you. All of us have our own idiosyncrasy and we deal with them in our own way but should you walk away from people who have cared for you?

I know this feeling will last a few days and then the deception and the small talks will take precedence over everything else that should matter.

Gibberish

2008-08-17T11:07:00.002+08:00

I could not help laughing when my sister just blurted out something on my love life over the years. She, as oblivious and as proud about everything I ever did or would do, believes I have just had absolute control over all my relationships and I could just cut out of each one of them anytime without an ounce of stress. Little does she know how I went through two years of begging, self pity and loads of loathing for myself over one broken relationship. It just got me thinking harder than I usually choose to these days and realised that every person I know knows me in a different light.

Like a Chameleon, I have different shades surfacing at different times with different people. Strangely, each one of my friends or family or acquaintances think they know me the best and so from being looked upon as this awestruck dumbo to the super sweet; the in control of everything in life to the ever chaotic mind. There is not a friend I know who does not get protective and begins to take on the role of a guardian. Nor do I know two people sharing the same opinion about me.

Am sure it happens to most of the people and hence it is not something that needs so much thinking but I seriously think that in my case it is really a bit off the normal track. There are enough and more people who find me sly or cunning and more and more believe that I am gullible and extremely likeable.

I do not have the heart to say that I am only some or none of the above since at different occasions I have behaved differently and so differently that at times I fail to recognize myself.

I must admit that I am living a full life. It has every tone of being human hence all my actions are human (whether moral or immoral, right or wrong). In these years there is very little that I regret and every experience is embraced with equal excitement.

The strange thing is that all my friends believe that they know me very well and especially so when they are at their patronising best. It breaks my heart to even remotely brush away that concern but the truth is when I am still exploring the self, it is definitely not possible for anybody to be able to cast me in box.

Do I mind any of the assumptions that people make? No. They have a right to their opinion and their judgement and some closer to my heart may pass a verdict too. I am horrible at moving away from people I get to know once and that is the only boon and bane of my existence.

I have been told at more occassions than one that life needs to be black or white but I cant help my love for the colour grey. Just a thought, dont we all like the colour grey? Some delve into it and decide to stay grey in the closet and others just embrace and walk with it like it affirms their personality.

Happiness - How external is that?

2008-06-05T00:32:00.003+08:00

The day passed me by and I spent most of it attempting to control the urge to crib about things in general. I never realised how and when I became this extremely distant person (and not distant from others but from myself). Thanks to Radhika since she in her very sweet way has been showing the convoluted parts of me. It takes immense practice to get rid of a bad habit and bit by bit I have managed to work towards changing that about myself. But today was the test after weeks of no sign of feeling miserable, it surfaced again. Work and other extremely stressful situations must be to blame.

By noon I was all set to bury everything good in life and just linger on the sadness around me, the confusions, the losses, the miscommunication and lack of judgement.It was a battle inside to just stay happy regardless of the many reasons to sulk and I managed to pretend to be cheerful through the day.

Work out as usual was energising and helped me stay further in control of my emotions. I kept crying tearfully inside and smiling like the happiest man one could ever find. And guess what, the smile won over the sulk. I am feeling cheerful again and life looks more meaningful again.

So, the mantra is when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, go back to sleep or just fall off the bed but dont let the side of the bed decide your day. If I work hard I can stay happy regardless of all the worries and bitterness around me and I will continue to work as hard as it takes to keep myself happy.

Liar Liar....

2008-06-04T00:04:00.003+08:00

I was a terribly god fearing kid and could never lie even for the simplest of things in life. I remember there were times when I would stand tall and look dumbly at my teacher awaiting a lecture when all I had to do is lie.

I dont remember the first time I played the Lie tune but do remember the sudden rush of blood on my face. And I may not be able to thank my genes for much of the looks but for one that it displays a certain vulnerability that made my lie look more truthful than a zillion truths. That was the moment. The moment I held on to.

Anytime a friend was in distress and needed some help, here I was ready to lie and protect his interest. I would only lie to save something,a friend, unnecessary arguments and to escape any sermons.

I pretty much followed that for most of my life till I landed in Singapore. I had honed my lying skills well enough with a sales job where a lie comes before any truth. My apology to the fellow sales people but in case you thought it was a secret, it sure is an open secret.

Ok, I landed in Singapore and was going through a devastating time when I just started playing a lie for fun and somebody calls from India and asks about the weather, "Its pouring. Have never seen such rains." And you can pretty much guess it was bright and sunny in my part of the world.

It became a habit and I had begun to enjoy it. Late to work, no problem at all, I have loads of excuses ad trust me they are never lame:-).And this is the time I became the late comer everywhere,

"Hey, where are you? I have been waiting for the last 15 min."
"On my way, stuck in traffic. Shall be there in the next 10 minutes."

Actually, I was still in bed and had completely forgotten about the commitment. And I land 40 minutes later to their irritability and my spate of lies that followed and in most cases satisfied the other party.

I think I have no regrets about it and friends who know me well have accepted that about me and they are the ones I have stopped lying to. I have met some cynical, I am god types who had issues with my silly lies and they chose to become history. Actually they took my lies a bit too personally and then began hallucinating about things I had done or said. I was quite upset then but now when I look back, it was quite a sight and what exchange of words between the supposedly matured people. It was like two rats blaming each other for moving their cheese. It makes me laugh.

Ok, now before you begin to think every word I say is a lie, I do not lie as incessantly anymore and I dont know why. Maybe I am bored of this toy and need another one to toy around.

Thinking Aloud!

2008-05-07T17:48:00.000+08:00

I just saw some pictures of two of my estranged friends while they were on vacation. Won’t deny for a moment I was terribly upset and jealous. I would certainly have loved to be there. But things are not the same as they used to be at the beginning of the year. One decided to throw me off the friends list and the other just decided to stop talking.

I have given it immense thought and certainly after getting upset and angry and agitated, I realised everybody has a right to make their choices. Am sure there is something that does not keep us as close as we were and if they choose to steer clear of my presence in their lives their reasons are certainly strong enough. It feels sad as I would have loved them to be a part of my life but nonetheless, like so many other things that ended in life this too had to end the way it did. Just sad the way things turned out but well when does it ever end well.

I had some great times with them and just do hope that with time we are able to get over the inexcusable incidents that shaped this departure.

This note would not be complete if I do not thank them for being there for me when I was far more clueless about myself than I am today. In their own way, they have helped me change a lot of things about myself which would not have been possible if they were not around to show me the mirror.

Yap Yap Yap....

2008-04-30T16:56:00.000+08:00

Its been a slow day inspite of back to back meetings during the first half. Mom left for India on Monday and I am back to late evenings after work and no desire to head home. It has been sometime since I wrote anything ( a writer’s block J) and it would be silly to even suggest that I had nothing to write about. Life is so multi coloured there is always something to talk about. And I am quite known among friends as the possible winner of a talkathon hands down.

Have seen some average to bad Hindi movies but the spirit of a bollywood buff ceases to die. I was also out of touch with my reading. After a long while I had difficulty picking up a book to read and even if my hands could manage the weight of a book, I just read three or may be five pages of the book and dropped it off unmindfully. I was beginning to get concerned about my lack of intent to read and went and picked up a few books by Marquez. I started with one and said to myself, “this would get me back to reading!” It did not. I remember forcing my mother that day to Borders and after walking around the store for nearly an hour, my mother began to get irritable. In her very controlled temper she said,” you have picked this habit from your paternal grandfather.” Of course any habit that is not helping her has been picked up from my paternal side only in this case I smiled at her with pride and she just sighed with that expression, “I know it’s a good habit and I don’t have it in my genes.”

I was nearly walking out of the store without a book and that would have been documented into the rare occasions but I just remembered of Nick Hornby and I was pretty confident that if I start a book by him, I will get back to reading. So, I picked up this book and guess what ,I love it starting from the cover. Now I know who to go to each time I am off reading. Thanks to my estranged friend( of that later or may be never) who introduced me to this book.

I must share this with all since I think it is rather funny. The day my mother was leaving for India, she looked at me intently and said, “I need to ask you a little something.” I smiled with the expression, “Go On!” and wondering in my mind that the subject of marriage is about to be broached. It is an extremely tricky situation when you know that you are not going to see her for a long time and emotions are running rather high in the air and everywhere. I have such a super complicated situation and have only gone ahead and complicated it further by the day and leave aside explaining it to my mother, I cant even allow her to sense a part of the complication. Simply put, this silly side of me has taken away good many friends who I valued.

To my surprise she said, “Please leave this apartment as soon as you can. I have visited you everywhere you lived but I have never felt so much negativity in any apartment ever.” She was almost pleading. I was stumped because she was sharing my sentiments. For the longest time I have felt a certain uneasiness in my current apartment but I always told myself I was just trying to blame external factors for internal fuck ups. So, while it was somewhere at the back of my mind, I never really discussed it with any body. And here I have my mother suggesting just the same thing.

I could not resist telling her that I felt the same way but never really gave it so much credence. So, now I am getting calls from my friends who my mother has contacted after reaching India and they are all voicing the same opinion, “Leave that house. May be it is just a silly thought but wont harm you if you move out of that house”. Thankfully, I am due to leave this place in the next two months else I would be battling this with each one of them.

I guess all in all it has been an interesting time, the past few weeks. Fell ill, had my mother to pamper me all the time and experiencing my usual mood swings….

Realisation

2008-03-07T15:48:00.003+08:00

Have you ever felt so fucked in your head that you would go to anybody for some advice? I have and each time I am faced with this confusion in my mind, I start looking for people to vent out the anarchy. Does it work? Well, I dont know since I have been going through this shit for the last two years and now I am beginning to realise how one spins his own web and then complains to the world.

I think at some point each of my friends have called me a whine and while I have continued to share my distress regardless, they have either got comfortable in the Big Man shoes or have just written me off. Whatever the case it only fucks me in the end.

A dear friend of mine even took the liberty to do a complete character analysis of me the other day and I was being so polite inspite of all the strange things he went on to say. I began feeling like I had buried something inside me and that just holds me back from reacting. I think being sensitive to others is not something that is valued at all quarters in life and I need to piece my life together to be able to know when to push the button and shove the useless ones out of my way.

Everyone deems it their right to trample all over me (exceptions dont react). And again who do I blame for all these reactions? Of course, my lost mind. All through my stay in Singapore for most of the time I have just gone with a writing on my forehead - "I am unhappy, any help?" and even before I utter a word people know how to just go on and on about life and obviously they ensure I hear the word loser with every word.

Thank you all for being the prick that each of you have been and better late but I have realised that being the good samaritan means utopia and i am not ready to reach there yet. Goes without saying, sun whether rising or setting has enough heat to burn your asses so just watch out next time you want to fit into my grandfather's shoes.

The First Chinese Wedding!

2008-03-01T10:27:00.003+08:00

Last evening I attended my first chinese wedding. At this stage in life, even a mention of weddings just seems to make me uncomfortable and till the last minute all I did was contemplate on how I could duck out of the situation. Trust me it sounded a really grave one. But then I went back home after work and got ready and suddenly felt it was inevitable hence just landed at Fullerton Hotel.

After having found the ballroom, I just walked in and was complimented by each of my colleagues for the way I looked. Immediate phase of feel good. I looked around and asked my colleagues where do I drop my Ang Pau, and they looked nearly shocked. I had walked past a registration desk who would receive it with a smile and then direct me to my table. Is this a wedding or a Seminar????

Thanks to Elaine for coming back with me there and helping me with it. I settled myself on the assigned BBC table and smiling at colleagues I kept thinking it is too much of a show piece. It almost looked like a scene from the Hollywood movies (pardon my ignorance as I have never really enjoyed weddings and especially not if it is not somebody in my immediate family where I have a decent control over things.

The only wedding that was like a dream and beautiful according to me was Arun and Renu's. Had written a complete piece on it and it is on the blog for reference if you like. And this one was such a contrast. Loud, lavish and reeked of alot of money spent. A huge screen that was running the pictures of the couple and then some videos and then the bridal walk and the toast.

It almost felt like they had done everything together for the purpose of making those moments to their wedding. All along I was having a good time but in my mind was skeptical of everything I saw. But then the couple walked up to the stage and there was a look they exchanged and I noticed it. It was that moment of truth for the the critic in me. They were truly happy to be together and unite in holy matrimony and that one thought just changed the way I was looking at everything until now. Suddenly, I realized they were celebrating their togetherness and willingness to be together like they wished to an they were having a great time. It may not be based on my sensibility but what the hell, I am not the one getting married so should I not just let them be.

That moment on I really began enjoying truly. The pictures and the conversations and then an after wedding party at MOS. I have recently started wearing lenses and it was hurting terribly after a long day but it failed ot dampen my spirits. I danced for hours and was sweating like a a pig. I had a great time.

The highlight of the evening was meeting a gentleman who called himself the great great grandson of Lord Byron. I remember my expressions really well. My jaws fell in awe of hims since he is related to one of my favourite poets. Then he started blabbering and abusing the poet and how he was under the Phoenix. None of it made sense anymore since he was drunk and was abusing somebody I respect immensely for his art. So, the conversation did not last long and I just ignored my way to the dance floor.

Please note none of my colleagues had even heard of Lord Byron. But ask then about Michael Bubble:)

Change - How I wish it was sooner

2008-02-26T12:48:00.001+08:00

Today is another bad day. Feel restless and in need of reassurances. Strangely I have not been able to get over much in the last two years. Life seems to be at a standstill and nothing seems to change. Hope is all I had and hope is what I am losing by the day.

It is strange how in the last few weeks so much has just changed and so many things have just left me exhausted and extremely lost. I seek direction and I do not know where I can find that direction.

My friend and I have a strained relation and it just all happened before I could even realize the intensity of it. It must be brewing for long but then it just snapped out of nowhere. It would be a lie if I suggest it does not bother me since it always bothers me when someone dear to me just moves away. Anyway, more of that later.

The other day I had a long chat with Akshay and I must admit I knew I was just talking without really comprehending much. Was trying to justify everything without realising that none of what I said was even coherent. My mind continued to wander but I must admit that I felt good at the end of the long conversation. It was like he was holding the mirror to me and after having denied all the scars I began to notice each one of them.

There is so much to be happy about. There is so much to cherish but I continue to linger on what I have lost and what I believe I may have lost. I wonder sometimes when life would get better. When the dense will leave me alone….

An Equal Music

2007-12-22T03:19:00.000+08:00

Its 3AM in the morning and I have just completed An Equal Music. It would be a disgrace if I do not write about the book hence could not leave it until later.

I remember starting the book and hoping that I will get past the nearly 500 pages and now that the book has been read by the word it seems like I just experienced something that I had never imagined. It is the journey that you take with reluctance but as you move you ahead, it engulfs you so completely, you never want the journey to end. It goes into the top 10 favourite books of all times and the sheer joy every word gave me.

In the last few weeks, each time I picked up the book I was in another world, another world with similar impossibilities posing at the narrator, the simple and lyrical interpretation of the author just leaves me amazed. We all live complicated lives but few of us immerse themselves into these complications rather than attempting to get out of it. Michael to me is one such person who has lost the love of his life on his own accord and hence lives a life with an effort to survive every day. His passion, his music helps him remain sane through his nights and days of loneliness until he meets Julia again and love ignites the both again. The complications that surface then just break and re create new barriers in their lives.

This book makes me want to hear Bach and travel to Europe (Rochsdale, Yorkshire) it makes me want to find that one thing that would ignite a passion in me to live my life around it. It helps me reflect on my life and think. Think about the better and the worse that make my life more meaningful. The story just forces me to accept the darkness with as much willingness as the light. It makes me want to learn to cherish every moment for being able to shed some more of my inhibitions and insecurities.

It is about living and just living instead of living with hopes and expectations.

Notes from the week gone by....

2007-12-16T18:31:00.000+08:00

Its Sunday evening and usually the time of day when I begin to start feeling stressed. Monday morning means another spate of conversations at work to discuss the way ahead and the greater emphasis on what one must do and what one has not done so far. I am sure for most of us the blues begin earlier than monday.

The last week was another not so eventful one but I can tick off the calendar and smile at myself for passing through these days too. Had a terrible sprain on my shoulder and that meant I could not go to the gym. Strangely, I have not been somebody who was much into sports but in the last few months I have become hooked to exercising and when I am unable to make it to the gym for any reason it fills me with guilt. I am missing those hours of sweating the mind and body out. I hope I would be able to go back there by the coming wednesday and get back to my routine.

I watched Khoya Khoya Chand, a much awaited movie and not to my surprise my friends did not like the movie much. I saw myself defending the movie. I think it is a mediocre movie with a good script but some failed moments. Some performances are brilliant and others can be ignored. I did like the spirit of the film though and what failed me entirely is the fact that they have attempted to make is a classy film and the moment the effort shows somewhere the movie has failed in that sense. I would still recommend it to my friends and certainly welcome their opinion.

I am reading An Equal Music for sometime now and I must admit that the book just draws me by its sheer simplicity of words and expression. I remember wanting to put the book down before even finishing the first 50 pages but after making that effort to leaf past the 50th page, I was in for a pleasant surprise. The recklessness in a man can leave him wanting for all that he had ceased to desire and the impossibility of it certainly makes it even more desirable. I believe that many of us are just plain mourners and just need and excuse to believe they are suffering at the hands of their own doing or the doing of somebody else. I know of alteast one person who is like that and any of you can guess who it is. Of course I am talking about myself here. There is a line in the book that just seemed so apt and not putting it down here would be unfair.

"From time to time my doubts disperse, and seem to appraise the scene from a perspective where, against its custom, the past rises to bless, not haunt, and where every impossibility seems possible again."

The Strength of a Family

2007-11-17T02:49:00.000+08:00

At home celebrating our very own Bihari festival, "Chath". The break was much desired and even more needed to regain my sanity. In the chase for all the tangible and intangible aspirations I had lost track of the simple things in life that make living easier and worthwhile. Just could not ignore the thoughts that began to cross my mind as the unwinding from the cosmopolitan life began at home amidst family. This is where I was born and always felt like a misfit believing that I was meant for better things. Aspirations were never about who I wanted to be but about the life I wanted to lead and it certainly wasn't anywhere close to what I desired. The life I have today back in Singapore has some semblance to where I wanted to be.

Now that I am closer to where my aspirations led me, I feel at loss yet again. It gives me all the comfort but the simplicity of life that I never valued begins to grin at me. I miss just saying anything aloud without the worry of getting judged and here at home I can pass off with anything I say or do. Unconditional love is all that I get and I am assimilating all of it to be able to withstand the cosmetic world out there where I will cast a mask efficiently and begin the act no sooner do I land back in Singapore.

I just realised that I had not laughed so much in the last one year, had not uttered as much meaningless words and made people laugh at my own stupidity. It is amazing to have a family that holds you like you never need to worry about anything. It just builds you with so much strength to battle anything outside. It fills me with hope that someday when I have a family of my own (which should be sooner given my friends believe age is not on my side:-)) I will be able to hold it together like my parents and offer acts of selflessness like my brother.

Imagine the child in me that never ceases to demand and my family that never fails to succumb to each of them. To the world I am a grown up man and I still have a chance to go back to being a child as soon as I am back here. It feels great to be here and feels even better to know that my family prides in me for who I have become as a person. It fills me with pride too.

So, all the questioning looks and critical analysis of my being can take a back seat, this is why I always do my own thing and right or wrong, impulsive or well thought, my life is my own doing.

Gibberish - Classical Conditioning

2007-10-27T02:08:00.000+08:00

It has ben sometime since I scribled on my blog. Some of my friends have been checking on me and asking me to write more often. The last few attempts were futile since I could not get myself to frame two sentences that made any sense. I am beginning to realise that I am becoming a martyr for no cause and it makes me dizzy sometimes.

Its embarassing to continue to feel disillusioned and then fill out pages whining about the how lost am I situation on the blog. When I read other's blogs (my favourites are Arun and Akshay of course) it fills me with a sense of urgency to get out and beyond the lost kid mode. Yes Akshay you are right, I need to take the same remedial steps that I continue to preach and the truth is I am not doing anything about it.

Some of my friends are really concerned about how I am leading up to fulfilment in my personal life and clearly I am not demonstrating much strength or tact in being able to steer clear of further complications. Honestly, I do not mind the uncertainty and I think I am still not willing to drift away from things I believe in(regardless of the complications).

Have any of you read Kafka? He has a knack of writing paragraphs which do not connect to each other and really baffling the reader from time to time. I may not be a literary genius like him but certainly this piece is going to lend itself to a similar response from my dear readers.

Before I sign off let me share what I have been up to.....

- Watched a few desi movies - Laaga Chunari and Bhool Bhulaiya... No comments just that I will continue to watch my bollywood movies :-)
- Watched a lovely movie - Death at a funeral
- Have read a few pages of An Equal Music and suddenly lost all interest in reading. To get myself back on track I went to Borders and picked up two new books. Kept them back in my book shelf an attempting to continue with Equal Music. It is not about the book, it is about my distracted soul.... Will be back to reading in a few days.
- Looking forward to my trip back home
- Going mad shopping gifts. Its always tough. So many friends and family.

Well, I sign off here.

Six Days and still going strong

2007-10-10T23:27:00.000+08:00

I remember how I would always tell my erstwhile girlfriend that I smoke because I enjoy it and not because I am addicted to it. Had assured and re assured her that I would quit when I decide to and it would not be difficult to do so. I can see how true and not so true my statement was.

I have quit when I decided but it is an addiction and a difficult one to get past. The worst for me began on Monday when I was so awfully low. Life seemed meaningless and I knew it was not about anything of relavance or importance but just because my body was blackmailing me to light a cigarette. I am glad that I can control my urge to pick up a pack and light just one cigarette when nobody's watching. The reason I can control my urge is because I am feeling much better in terms of my fitness. Somehow my head seems less clogged and though the withdrawal is not letting me sleep very long hours I am waking up fresh and that is a surprise. I dont remember the last time I woke up without my eye bags pulling my eyes in different directions.

The most interesting experience is the reaction of people around me. Let me begin with the jealous ones or so I would want to call them - ya ya, I had quit for 3 months but got back to it (very encouraging), you will gain alot of weight, I gained 7 pounds (were you feeding on elephants?), good show, how many days did you say with that peculiar look suggesting another minute and you will light one ( and well you make me want to quit so much more)

The best reactions are from 3 people :

1. Arun - a long comment on how good this impulsive decision was ( look look not everything impulsive is so silly)
2. Awantika & Rahul - this one is like filling out a report. every now and again a message pops up and if I am even a measly bit lost, they immediately start giving me really interesting alternate options on things to do so I am distracted from the urge
3. APSD -Have really bothered him the most. It seems like my birth right to pile on to him. He is the one who gave me a 5 min speech on the goodness of smoking and since then has been completely supportive of my decision. And each time I want to talk about how much I want to smoke, he is at my rescue.

I think this pretty much encapsulates my experience so far. It may not be great and closer to being horrid but it surely makes me feel great to resist smoking. I dont know whether I will quit for good or track my steps back but I sure do feel great to have made the effort.

All that writing on cigarette addiction, am sure you all realise how big a deal it is for me :-)

Quit Smoking

2007-10-06T17:37:00.000+08:00

I have quit smoking on 4th October at about 21.30 hrs. Had a cigarette at about 21.15 hrs with an acquaintance and he must find me queer when he hears that I have quit suddenly.

Anyway, I was in the cab and thinking about my sinus and other ailments and how my smoking only worsens it. Not that it was the moment of truth but something in the air was more conducive to non smoking community and I just decided to give it a go. I walked into Rahul's house and my first words were, " I have decided to quit smoking!" I liked the reaction, "When? Now or from tomorrow." Actually I had thought to myself that it would be from the next day so I can consume the last three in my pack but the sarcasm in the air got the better of me and I quit that very minute.

Four hours passed without much celebration or pangs but as I woke up in the morning and the enthusiasm began to wear off with my body and mind revolting to get some of that nicotine, I began to act edgy. I am pretty confident that I will break away from this habit but it sure isn't easy my friend.

I was in discussion with a client and for most of my conversation I was trying to explain how my mind feels clouded and maybe that is the nicotine doing the magic. It is embarrassing to ramble off without any control but well its all for a noble cause :-)

And what could make life easier than having a friend who gives you a five minute non stop speech on why I need not quit smoking. Strangely, it did help in not smoking at all for the first day. So, in 27 hours I had controlled my craving.

Day 2 has begun at 14:00 hrs since I was sleeping for nearly 12 hours. I am annoyed, feeling low and irritable. But until 18:00 hrs I have not touched the stick.

It is interesting to document my feeling of helplessness and the dependence over something as inconsequential as a cigarette that it is the only thing on my mind for the last day and half. Imagine dreaming of cigarettes....I did that too :-)

Gibberish Non Stop !

2007-10-04T11:22:00.000+08:00

The dense is back again and it is there to bother me for sometime. It was a liberating feeling to wake up every morning without that constant heaviness of mind. I had almost resigned to this feeling of being lost in the woods and never thought I would be able to get out of it but for the last few weeks when everything seemed to be getting back on track.

The self inflicted stress on everything that relates to me had an over powering influence and would drive everything for me - my apetite, my conversations and my silence. People who know me better like to keep themselves at bay when my eyes are sullen and heavy. And this morning my eyes are sullen and heavy!

Contemplating on the way life is driving me insane and how I could muster the courage to change the pace and direction of life but unable to act upon it. It feels like I am displacing myself from nothing and am whining within for nobody. I am just in the state of constant grief for no reason in particular. Am I lonely? Well, who isn't?

I just completed reading About a Boy and it surely is at the top of my favourites. And look at Will, he was alone for most of his life literally doing nothing and he was happy. So, why do I get so sentimental because I am clueless about what I want. Work is going alright, have enough friends who seem to enjoy my company, family is far away but of course the most supportive one can imagine but this dense just doesn't get a hang of it. It is just not willing to leave my mind and has a knack to conquer me completely.

Do you get what I am trying to address here? For most of you it would be a silly little piece on loneliness being personfied and this exhibits my lack of creative writing. All I am trying to suggest here is that something is not quite right but there is no reason for me to believe so since all the hygeine factors are in place and intact.

Like my friend said once, 'While we believe we are living our life, the truth is life is living us.' So, I just hope I help life make the most of it with all my brooding and somewhere every idiosyncracy with find a balance in some sane thoughts and experiences however varied will even out.

In the passing

2007-08-27T11:17:00.000+08:00

I was talking to a friend and he pointed out that I have not been writing much on my blog these days. "Is this a blogger's block?" I nodded along as if I really knew why I was not writing more often. I had taken to writing a blog when I was going through a rough patch and just wanted to vent it out in the form of my gibberish. Some of my friends appreciated it and I began enjoying the experience of typing out my thoughts from time to time.

The problems have not left me like they never leave anybody else and all I do is run as fast as I can to evade all the battles in my mind. In the last few weeks I have gone back home only when I need to sleep and all through the day and late at night I have either been at work or with friends. Strangely, time just flies and every night before I sleep I say to myself,"This day too has passed."

I have seen many movies and am back to reading again. Completed High Fidelity on a friend's recommendation and how glad I am to have done so. It is a simple story that has scripted many a bollywood and hollywood movies. Does the book lose its lustre? No. It still is better than all the movies. Infact the movie based on the book with John Cussak is also a great watch though I prefer the book. I told another friend about the book and he asked me what it was about. Well, this is about a guy who just had a break up and he wasn't so sure he would like to read it. Reason, I can't relate to it since I am married. I thought to myself, you are still a man aren't you?

The book I am currently reading is Fight Club. And the 50 pages have left me a bit numb. It is a very matter of fact kind of book but has an undercurrent of depression and sadness. I like the book so far and am beginning to get into its spell. For the ones who have seen the Brad Pitt starer, I have not seen the movie either so the experience is completely new. I am enjoying it thoroughly and hopefuly will be able to complete the book shortly.

Saw Ratatoulie. I was expecting the movie to be a wee bit funnier but it is still a good movie. So, if oyu have plans to wantch it just go ahead and book the tickets.

Tired of writing so signing off.

Yet another change....

2007-08-23T16:40:00.000+08:00

Arun and Renu left for Mumbai last evening for a better life. Am sure if my blogs have been looked into it is nobody's guess that they have been the most importnant people in my life after I moved to Singapore. In the last few days, I spent as much time I could with them to get a rub off their positive energy since I have grown pretty addicted to it. Eachtime I would be depressed I visit them and get back on track and it is extremely tough to explain how they could change my frame of mind each time but they certainly did.

I knew they would leave for months but never brought myself to believe that they were actually going. Escaping it till I actually bid them farewell and then I just realised I could not make those senseless conversations anymore :-( No more Promises Gardens and the lovely chicken and the mushrooms and the movie marathons. No more of those endless music sessions either....

I am very happy for them and to say the least they have the courage to take a step forward and conquer all their fears. I wish them all the happiness they deserve and all the good luck they must have.

I have learned that

2007-08-01T18:27:00.000+08:00

- you shouldn't compare your self to others - they are more screwed up than you think
- you can keep vomiting long after you think you are finished
- we are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities
- regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be alot of money to take its place
- 99% of the times when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
- people you care most about in life are taken away too soon and all the less important ones just never go away
- you cannot make someone love you. All you do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
- no matter how much I care some people are just assholes
- it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicison, not proof, to destroy it

Anonymous

A Thousand Splendid Suns

2007-07-20T16:50:00.001+08:00

Am reading this book and have nearly completed it with a last few pages to go. Loved his first book "The Kite Runner" and remember having read half of the book in a flight to Mumbai. I had loved that book and did have a lot of expectations from his new book. He certainly lives up to the expectations.

The story is again set in Afghanistan and at the back drop of the continued insurgency and the life of two women amidst it all. Sad from the beginning and makes one wonder what we continue to complain about with so much liberty when in some parts of the world even walking outside your house is a threat. The story moves seamlessly and in less than 10 minutes engrossed me completely and it feels like their life is running parallel to mine and I am actually a witness to all the atrocity and pain. It is amazing the way he brings out the nuances in a character with very few words.

"There, the future did not matter. And the past held only this wisdom: that love was a damaging mistake, and its accomplice, hope, a treacherous illusion."

There is chaos around the country and safety is only a memory but life begins to get normal and panic eases in time since there are battles at every step and its surprising to witness how one gets accustomed to the struggle. One fails to imagine a life in harmony when engrossed in the pages and the only thing that comes to my mind each time I drop the book aside is that we are so blessed and more so the women who are empowered in many parts of the world to do whatever they choose to. I dare say there is equity in any part of the world between genders but the divide is getting narrower in these parts and to imagine a life where women are subjected to treatment that is worse than an inanimate object is painful.

I think one must read this book to let go off some of their prejudices since it certainly makes one feel so small for so many things we say and do to prove our authority and sense of pride to the people we love.

In You I breathe

2007-07-13T15:54:00.000+08:00

In you I breathe how much I hope
The memories so sorted, it must be the dope
Remember the songs of love we sang
And you always annoyed since my tune was wrong

Imagined us married with kids at home
Did you not say I couldn't write a poem
I always enjoyed penning my thoughts
And you said that rhythm couldn't be bought

How I began to scream any time
And did you sometimes begin to whine
A perfect love saw a perfect disaster
I never saw it coming but you became my master

A toy I was and you toyed it well
Truth your ammunition and it hurt like hell
When I was alone and you broke the news
Break up began with tunes of blues

Remember the morning I woke you up begging
I was kneeling at a park and how tough was breathing
You stern and sure and melting my mind
Insanity I experienced and began the grind

Sleepless nights began to pass in sometime
And my love for you remained forever benign
In two and fours I set out to make friends
The new country was now a singles den

Strange are the ways of love and yet stranger denial
Every morning I felt more senile
With old age casting all over my face
Wondered I, "Am I in disgrace?"

That evening you confessed your love for another man
I held the broken pieces with remorse and disdain
A story that always was meant to end with happily ever after
Turned out with a touch of reality to be the closing of a chapter.

Life flashes and changes the direction you ride
And all I was left with is to take it in my stride
I wished you luck and all my love
And you even denied me the parting hug

Denial I faced and am living in it
And all I saw in you is that I am a git
When life takes a full circle and we are gone
Hope in another life there will be another dawn.

Another day and another destiny

2007-07-04T19:09:00.000+08:00

The night is dark with a deep blue sky
And look closer a mountain silhouette so high
Look down at the road from the 18th storey
And patches of habitation called slums look so gory

I wonder and wander in my mind
Compassion is dead and senses left behind
There came a band of people with guile
Workmen to clean the city of this vile

I remember the street corner blazing in fire
Somebody had attempted to fulfil their desire
Clean Mumbai and clean of poverty and strife
Did he confide he murdered children and wives

A friend just mentioned of the stark contrast
Two sides of a city one bright one dark
I justified Mumbai is for all
A city that lets even serpents crawl

Little by little and piece by piece
A few days of showers torment with a hiss
Government called us a resilient lot
And leant nothing from deaths and pain the rains brought

It is another year and the people are running
8.15, 9.25, 10.30 are the trains they are gunning
Guns remind of the blast in these trains
News channels discovered the city in bloodstains

So much did happen in the times gone by
People shed their responsibilities and so did I
Government blamed the funds and finances
People befuddled thought of other nuances

A plastic bag we would trash on the streets
And blame the government imagine the grit
I for one have promised to change
To do things differently and then gauge

Another day and another life one may not see
Or change their lives to utopia in a wee
It is not the constellation and their mutiny
But for us to change our own destiny

Some Gibberish.....

2007-06-29T15:06:00.000+08:00

In the last few weeks I have been going through my share of experiences and have done and undone alot of things in this time.
- Went to Bintan on a holiday and came back firmed up on my plans ahead
- Hurt a friend terribly and cannot do anything to change what has transpired
- Behaved irrational at instances more than once
- Was deperessed for many days
- Discovered a great new friend
- Missed home and missed my life in Mumbai on days
- Argued away to glory with a person who means alot to me and got to a point where I think we are meant for seperate worlds
- Loads of late nights and lack of sleep
- Wrote a poetry for the first time in many years

So, all in all a very hectic time when I also managed to complete reading The Golden Gate. If I could I would quote every single verse from the book and recommend to all who like reading. I could not help relating it to my own life and the various crossroads I have been at from time to time. It is so interesting to find shades of grey in your own personality and let some author validate it for you through his own writing.

For once I could see myself not arguing to myself and justify my actions but just acknowledging my action in entirity. How often do most of us argue that hurting somebody was a necessity and hence valid? Quite often... But how often do we understand that hurting oneself is also valid since the other person could not avoid doing so?

Strange ways of life and stranger are ways of the mind. Each human mind is unique there is so much of unique strangeness around us. I was having a conversation with my friend the other day and it panned from the Big Bang theory to the evolution of life and how we are miniscule particles in the whole scheme of things. While I agree to all the theorising since it has been done by some people who have dedicated their lives to understand and arrive at assumptions but I still believe that the miniscule life that we lead is still the only thing we experience and in relative terms a decade may be equivalent to a nano second but you live every second of that nano second and can sometime feel that each nano second of that decade was a decade in itself. However these are words of wisdom to escape grief, discontent and pain and even better when one wishes to impress peers and friends but does this change any experience to being inconsequential?

Am done with my inane thoughts for now and will be back with some more.....

The Golden Gate

2007-06-08T17:01:00.001+08:00

I had leafed through the first few pages of Afterwards and found it quite interesting and then Arun passed on a copy of The Golden Gate by Vikram Seth. An author I have always wanted to read but for no particular reason I have not been able to get to reading it. Hence I decided to read a book that is all in verse. It was tough to get the flow initially but the sonnet was so touching I just immersed myself into the book. I have read nearly half of the book and just cant stop thinking about it. It has cast a spell on me.

I am sleeping very little since I want to read the book even after a long and winding day I take refuge in The Golden Gate.

His writing is inspiring and strangely when I type a text involuntarily I try to rhyme it. Strange things happen to me when a book that brings me closer to the mirror.

Will write more on this once I complete the book....

Midnight's Children - A treat to ones mind!

2007-06-04T14:23:00.000+08:00

I finally completed Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie and I am a bit disturbed. Nothing unusual since a book that touches me deeply releases these sentiments in me. I remember for over a year some of my friends had been insisting that I must read Salman Rushdie. He has been so much in the limelight at all times given the controversies that his books have been subjected to, I never really wanted to read them. I assumed he would be yet another sarcastic authtor who would cast his creativity to showcase what is so wrong with India.

Sometimes I listen to my friends and then am glad to have done that. The book from the Introductory note by Rushdie was an amazing experience. I am an avid reader of fiction but have never read writing that is so mesmerizing (ignore Garcia to prove a point here). Before I knew I was picking out sentences from the book and using it on my blog. As I leafed through the pages I would hope this book lasts rather long. It did since I was reading it extremely slowly.

Saleem Sinai and his interpretation of everything around him just leaves you with an awe for the writer who has managed to make sense of the most inane things in life. A boy born on the Independance Day of India and Pakistan and how all the kids born around the midnight hour had there lives entwined. It just took me to my childhood and how I would imagine myself to be somebody of far greater importance to the world than I have shaped up to be. It always seemed like I was meant for bigger things and as I grew older those bigger things became career decisions and choice of a partner. The obvious became a parameter of accomplishment.

As the Saleem Sinai moved from childhood to teenage and to adulthood, the changes in his life follow the pattern of excitement, sadness, pain and anguish like the newly formed country had been facing. Indira Gandhi, then Prime Minister and anarchy during emergency and the vasectomy drive and how it led to so much turmoil seem so easy to comprehend when he narrates its impact on himself.

The character that intrigued me the most was brass Monkey alias Jamila Singer for her dejection towards people who cared for her. It has been a great read and a recommended read for everyone.

The book helps you face alot of realities head on without the blink of an eye lid. I have just started reading another book, "Afterwards". Seems interesting so far....

No more babies!

2007-06-03T02:09:00.000+08:00

I just watched a movie at Arun's place and it forced thoughts inside that I could not battle. The movie takes you to 2027 and a time when women are no longer fertile. In the next hundred years the human race would be extinct since they cannot procreate. There is civil war and refugees in England being chased out. At the centre of it all is the protagonist who is lonely with clearly no sense of purpose in life. One of the dialogues in the movie, "I feel like shit when I wake up, I feel like shit when I go to work" - clearly highlighting the desolation of the character. Many of us can relate to his loneliness and a life that one lives because it is tougher to stop breathing.

The purpose he is thwarted with is to save the only girl who is pregnant and in a world filled with remorse and anger nobody knows what reactions it would encourage. She is a refugee being helped by the protagonist and it is nobody's guess that she does survive in the end. The theme is powerful but what is rather thought provoking is the ugliness around the world. For a moment I thought, would this be a world worth living? I was immediately corrected since I may be leading a fairly normal life but there are places and countries where this is life today. The script has been creative but they have taken all their notes for a tomorrow from what they see today. It sure is futuristic in terms of a biological disorder but life in England of 2027 is no different from many countries of today.

Now shifting the focus to my thoughts, not long ago did I see myself moving towards a life where surprises where limited and a very regular life was set for me. I so desired it that when boredom would set in I would push my mind to the beauty of a normal regular life and the content that it offered. Life changes as we all know and it did change for me too. The most obvious things became a make believe and I was led to a point where my sense of purpose was missing. It was like a free fall, nervousness, angst, fear yet the grit to get it all done with. At every moment I questioned myself if I would wither before I land or would I land to wither and this did not offer any solution. Sometimes in fury I would curse that one moment that changed the pace of my life. But somwhere along the line I got accustomed to the uncertainity and began to believe in the certainity of uncertainity. It is a very emancipating feeling and with all its oddities it offers a haven to me given there is a lack of purpose in my life. Suddenly I have stopped worrying about whether I was pushed into the free fall or it was my choice since this doesnot offer any resolve to living.

Imagine the world surrounding you is burning with rage and people slice each other like vegetables and defining a purpose in doing so. Would you rather mind a purposeless life in days like these?

The movie leaves me extremely humbled. There is so much more that I can still dream of and so few that I can imagine to be dreadful. With the imagination of peope on the celluloid and certainly a depiction of some experiences that led to their wilder and morbid themes it only scares me on how long I can remain unscathed what is going around our world.

I certainly cannot imagine a world without children expecially when I desire to get back to my childhood and feel safer and happier.

Creative Thinking

2007-05-29T15:01:00.000+08:00

I was on a two day training programme on creative thinking last week. With not much expectations and the worry that I would have to wake up earlier than usual I was rather reticent of the entire schedule. I walk into the training and am greeted by three other people. I knew two of them since they are from my office and one other person who is from another organisation. After the hellos and fake hugs we were worried how the two days would pass given such a low turnout to the training.

The instructor walked in and creative juices began to flow in the conversation. Suddenly, I realised the language and choice of words can make the most mundane thing sound attractive. I was getting into the spell bit by bit. From one commercial to another and one ice breaking exercise to creativity guaging tests I was beginning to enjoy it thoroughly.

Do these things help in selling something that I have been for so many years? I don't know. It may be easy to assimilate something new but it is really difficult to unlearn a pattern. Does it matter? It doesn't. Simply put the training programme continued to thrust in me the thoughts that have been there for long. I am tired of doing the same things for so many years and it is about time I either learn to do my job differently or look for a different job.

While it is really great to be an achiever in whatever one does, that is what is tying me down. Often enough I wonder how it would be if I explore a completely new domain and the dollars suddenly begin to shrink. With barely any savings, it is tough to just decide to let go of things. I know I should have saved some for rainy days but I haven't and with every subsequent increase in the package I have managed to find the venue to spend it too. So, while I am contemplating a huge shift in focus I do not know which way to head. Does this sound familiar?

By the time the training session was over I had thought of multiple career options and nothing seemed to excite much given the parameters I was rating each against. So, pretty much I welcomed the weekend with a depressed heart and wondering what I really want. In two day, the attempt was to be with people and escaping the thought that had been pounding all along. Escaping it for sometime does not help in reality but it does offer some relief.

I am even unable to point my finger to any or many reasons why I am so much in need of change but there is no right answer. Maybe I should go back to India, maybe move further to Australia or maybe New York is the place to be.....but the eternal question still lulls, what do I want to do?

Something to talk about....

2007-05-19T03:28:00.000+08:00

I got a call from my buddy the other day and he said if he does not see another write up on the blog soon he would take it off his list of favourites. I am glad atleast there is one person who believes I can write (well or not is debatable, but readable nonetheless)

The last few weeks have been extremely eventful like any other weeks. There are things I have wanted write about and things I would rather avoid to be reminded. The good thing that happened in this time is my long awaited promotion came through. It lends itself to a sense of relief more than excitement. The most important thing that I did is visit my ailing friend and the amount of lies I went through to do something that I must have done anyways surprises me. But I will write about that a little later.

I was extremely pensive today but I knew I will meet my friends and forget all about my grief and it happened yet again. A brilliant movie that shares a moment from the life of Capote was an enriching experience. A creative mind and extremely manipulative. Gay, effiminate and with no sense of defiance or reproach but plainly put comfortable. The movie forced me to think about inhibitions and how they would contour my mind and actions. Am sure it happens to most of us in some way or the other but there are far and in between who can conquer their inhibitions and play their social and moral disadvantages to their advantage.

The movie begins with an extremely frivolous narration of a gay socialite and moves seamlessly to the more vulnerable aspect of his life; the key influence to his life and one of the greatest contributors to his success and the theme of his book "In Cold Blood". I am not particularly fond of American writers and European authors would win hands down if I list my favourites but the movie has made one thing a certainity, I am gonig to read this book. I must add here that every character in the movie has put his or her best step forward. The movie is funny, sardonic and sensitive. The curtains draw and you are left seated and in a deep thought. Infamous - thats what it is in a funny way.

Anyway, the weekend has begun and I hope it is a fun filled one too. The number of movies I have watched after coming to Singapore is just surprising. If I dont watch a movie for about a week I begin to get withdrawal symptoms. The bst part is most the movies I have seen in this time have been absolute delight. Exceptions to this would be some hindi movies (which I will continue to watch because however bad the story I just love them) and of course 28 days and 28 weeks.

Can somebody notice the movie buff is back at his job of a movie buff:-)

Just about myself !

2007-04-11T15:40:00.000+08:00

It’s a strange day. A day to remember the past! Reminisce the childhood days with relatively no worries, the days of adolescence when the world around was always more stupid, the beginning of adulthood and the spate of relationships and the happy go lucky me moving from one city to another in search of a better vocation.

Am overwhelmed and when I close my eyes and look back there is nothing I would like to change. The people who came into my life and the lives I walked all over have transformed me in their own way. A dreamy eyed young boy who thought he was born for a purpose and for most of his life he tried to decipher the hidden codes to read the purpose to himself. In so many years, the energy is never failing but the hunt for the purpose is certainly defused.

As a child I would always wake up with nightmares and could see some laughing masks around me. It indeed was scary and so vivid I still remember those masks. In the growing years I tried to understand the meaning of those dreams but just could not unravel the code. Did I give up? No, just ignored it and moved ahead.

The early years were extremely protected and hence I was anything but self-reliant. But defiance is genetic and hence a sense of independence was extremely natural. College suddenly put me amidst strangers in a metropolitan city and away from my warm and protected shield. I was lost and all I would do is sulk away my fears. The only thing that kept me going was the realisation that change is for better.

Time never ceased to move rapidly and I was in a relationship even before I could get a whiff of a sense of responsibility. One thing led to another and the relationship moved gears and went out of my life the way I moved from Delhi to Bangalore for my post graduation. It was just so natural.

In so many years and with so much to do, I kept enough time to just vegetate and not do much. Just lie on my couch with an open book and dreamy eyes and thoughts of something that will just change everything around me. Sometimes even a new pair of shoes would affirm my belief that life is going to change dramatically. Whether it did change is not so important, what is important is that I enjoyed the feeling of the change that may touch upon me.

Of course I am extremely restless but can sometimes hold that within the exterior pale face that almost looks dull at times. I can be a wall in a gathering and exuberant in another. Moody as hell and get agitated when I begin to get comfortable in a city. The feeling of being unsettled is a huge driver that forces me to befriend new people and do new things.

In the last many years of life the only thing that hold me together is the animal instinct to survive. Whether a broken relationship or the lonely days alone, a bad day at work or the nature of work itself being boring, I survive it each day and can smile to myself for the beautiful and ugly experiences of life. The pain that reminds me that I am living and the joys that remind me that I am ready to move on.

The Namesake

2007-04-10T12:58:00.000+08:00

I watched the much-awaited movie based on Jhumpa Lahiri’s book last week. I was captivated and could relate to the movie in many ways. I was so overwhelmed by the movie that when my friend asked me how I liked the movie all I could say was that it is good in parts.

A story about an Indian couple who moved to US in the want of a better life and the disconnect with the children who were very American and much against the desire of the couple. It narrates beautifully the generation gap that leads to discontent within both the parent and the child. In my growing up years I have seen my cousins who have been under similar circumstances and they always came across as confused. They neither came across as completely American nor traditionally Indian. The strange bit is that my aunt and uncle who were living in US for over 15 years expected India to be the same as they had left it. As we grew up, we were far more yankee in our attitude than they were of theirs and it certainly surprised my Uncle who had been trying to make his kids more Indian in a foreign land.

I would always laugh at my cousin and would sincerely feel that I was far more independent than them who were constantly trying to pretend to be the Indians with the same social and moral values that his parents thought was right. Actually, it went quite far and he ended up marrying a barely educated girl from India to keep his parents happy. I think he is happy now though there were tumultuous times when he was not willing to bend an inch. My cousin and his father could not stay in the same room for longer than a minute and those were the days when he was seeing the American lass. I was quite young then and it really appealed me to see that he would stand his ground at all times and to his father’s embarrassment say things that would rather remain unsaid.

I really do not know how and why the transition in my cousin led him to do things just the way his parents wanted him to but so long as everyone is happy am sure that is all that matters.

When I compare this movie to my relationship with my parents, it just brings me to think that living within the same geographical boundaries, one can have differing moral and social values. Fortunately, my parents always allowed me to do things the way I would like to. Was only treated like a robot occasionally unlike most of my siblings who were just expected to do things the way the parents thought it was deemed to be.

The relationship between my parents and I is rather beautiful and I can say that after so many years. They have always let me be whether I was doing fabulously well or was down the dumps. While I am sure they have their expectations but they have never thrust it on me and have let me take decisions that they always knew would work against me. My erstwhile girl friend always said that I did not care enough for my parents. The fact is I do care a lot for them but we do not share a relationship where we choke each other with overt calls of affection. Infact things that might upset them I keep to myself. If I am not well or had a bad day, I would not want to subject them to my pressures. To me it is unfair! I have been living away from them for 14 years and have changed drastically in those years with every experience and my parents acknowledge and respect it.

Sometimes the only thing that really bothers me is that living so far away I am never able to give them the time they always want. I wish I could just spend more time with them and sometimes be a little less rude. They are the people I look towards when I need any comforting and it is so calming to just have them near me.

The Art of Losing

2007-03-29T13:05:00.000+08:00

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lived. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

A Beautiful Wedding!

2007-03-23T15:18:00.000+08:00

I was looking through the pictures of my friend's wedding recently. It was a very special wedding and one of the more important reasons for it was the way it was organised.

Indian weddings are normally a grand affair and in the name of grandeur it only lends itself to the over dressed bride and extremely awkwardly dressed groom (exceptions please do not twitch!)Alot of money is spent and it is wasteful in my opinion. You meet relatives you have never met in your life and excange plesantries with all and sundry. By the end of the wedding all you want to do it crash on the bed.

This wedding had anything but the grandeur I just mentioned. To me it was solemn. I was playing a photographer for most of the wedding and through the lens I could see the happiness that the couple could just not under play. When one decides to move to a level of commitment it should emnate out of love and not because it is the way it is meant to be. And here I was witnessing a marriage of two people who were truly in love. And that made everything so beautiful.

A few close friends and relatives shared their excitement and there was no one complaining about something that was not done as it was supposed to be done. Would you ever have such happy guests in any other kind of wedding? No! Simply because in this wedding the couple was surrounded by people who were there to celebrate and contribute in whatever way they could and share the joy.

Imagine the lush green of a botanical garden and a lake behind (Swan lake), a solemniser and the wedding vows. It is simple and beautiful. No noise and pure celebration!

It would be a lie if I do not admit that I was envious. I have been through multiple relationships and the closest I came to getting married was ultimately like a job that needed to be done. Relationships that lack understanding are extremely vulnerable and hence the ties just loosened and we set ourselves free of the pressure. I am so glad today that the ties were broken before we took the vows.

I do hope that more relationships lend itself to marriage for the love they have for each each other inspite of who they are. They become companions who do not necessarily look in the same direction but respect each others sense of direction :-)

Vernal Equinox!

2007-03-21T17:27:00.000+08:00

It is my birthday today and after announcing it far and wide hope it is alright to put this on my blog :)

It has been eight months since I moved to Singapore. The beginning was not so exciting and there were too many things to battle at the same time. I would wake up every morning promising myself I would ensure the day passes me by without my doing something stupid. I surely could not keep the promise every day but it did help me pass through those days of uncertainity. Eight months later I feel so settled and it almost feels like I have been here forever.

Last year on this day there was a beginning of an end and it certainly had complications that seemed unfathomable. But nothing is unfathomable if you are determined to stay upright and not crumble. I did that and I surfaced again from the dumps. Rejuvenated and more in touch with myself; happier and more ready to take on the world.

So many people I met here and befriended and I cannot thank them enough to help me with their words and company when I needed it to seek refuge in some sanity.

I was quite unsure that I would ever be able to make friends and here I shock myself with so many and each more valuable in their own way. To have friends is being lucky but to have great friends is just a signal that someone up there really cares for you. And I feel so blessed to have so many.

Some pictures that I shall add here and some already on the blog are just a reflection of my life in Singapore. I like it here :-)

A millionaire for a few days !

2007-03-01T14:15:00.000+08:00

Among the many promises I made to myself this year, travelling the South East Asian countries is one that was the most important and difficult too. I do not like travelling alone and do not have much in the name of company to travel with. To make sure I at least take the first step, I decided on going to a country where I have friends. It indeed was a good decision.

I booked myself on a flight to Jakarta a month in advance and as the days were nearing instead of the excitement building I was getting unsure of whether I will be able to make the trip. Ten days before my scheduled trip, the city is in floods and all and sundry insisted that I cancel my trip since it would certainly not be the right time to travel into the country.

Like always, the impossibility of the situation led to desperation and I wanted to travel only then. My friend in Indonesia suggested that I cancel my trip since there was too much chaos but I was not giving up. From a trip of 4 days, I cut it down to 2 days and decided that I will go regardless of how bad the situation was.

Nothing new for me since I always have to go through loads of problems before I embark on anything and this was just a leisure trip to some place.

By the time Chinese New Year holidays arrived, the waters had receded and there was only a fear of the different diseases that maybe rampant at this time. I told myself I am an Indian and pretty much immune to diseases so that should the least of my worries.

Finally I boarded the flight to Jakarta and extremely unsure of the next two days. The expectations were a bare minimum especially because everyone seemed to be quite surprised that I was going to Jakarta of all the places and I could have instead gone to Bali. Obstinacy springs out of defence and so it was for me.

I landed and Sandip was at the airport to receive. The Expat in Indonesia had a royal treatment and it was rubbing on to me as well. As we entered the city Delhi and Mumbai began to erect in front of my eyes. The roads were better than Mumbai and of course wider. The most famous jams of Jakarta were not for me to experience hence I never experienced any of it to my delight.

Sandip lives in a plush Condo and on the 17th floor and walking into the living room I was shocked to see the view from those long and wide window. It was so beautiful. You could see the city’s skyline all lit up and revoltingly bright. Could not help reminiscing the days in Mumbai when we would go all the way to Marine drive to get a glimpse of the beauty of the concrete jungle in the night.

We were talking till late and decided to check out the volcano a few hours drive out of Jakarta. Morning was rushed since I woke up a bit late and then we were in the car with some great Hindi songs playing in the background. No sooner had we got out of the city limits, the highway reminded me of the Mumbai – Pune highway. There are good and bad memories that kept lingering and I kept myself from getting pensive. No point going across geography and still thinking about the losses. I was there to rejuvenate my spirits and I would do just that.

When we had set out that morning, it was bright and sunny and warm but as we were getting closer to the site of the crater it began to rain heavily. The visibility was rather low and both Sandip and I could not help worrying that in the rains it may be tough to even be able to see the volcano. The drive was beautiful and I began to get less worried about volcanoes. I loved the drive and the view and the hilly terrain and that was good enough for me.

As we reached the site of the crater, the rains began to slow down and after a while we could get off the car and see the live crater of the volcano. It was nothing close to what I had imagined but it was still an exhilarating feeling to see yet another marvel of nature. We stayed there for sometime and I was lured into buying a musical instrument made out of bamboo. It somehow appealed to me so much that I decided that it would be the souvenir I shall carry back with me. Bulky but who cares so long as I like it so much.

Our next destination was the hot spring but the beautiful spring looked much less appealing since there were men, women and kids of all shapes and sizes under it. Am sure it must be fun to wash away some of the dirt in that water but the sight is not something one would want to capture in a camera.

It must be about 16:00 hrs when we had seen all that we set out to and when to eat the first morsel of food. Famished is an understatement and I think the hunger really ensured I enjoy my meal. With lunch tucked away in the some corner of my belly (thanks to the over dose of beer during Jabir’s trip!) we were on our way back to Jakarta.

We decided to stop over at this place where one can buy apparel rather cheap. I wasn’t too excited when I realised it is like roaming the streets of Janpath, Delhi. I have become a mall shopper – go and pick just what you want and get out as quickly. But Sandip’s enthusiasm caught on to me and I must have bought some 5 pairs of shorts (different sizes to suit different occasions)

As we were getting into the car to head back, I noticed this man on the street with a Python on his neck and my fascination for snakes could not keep me from getting a closer look at that. This Python man gleefully offered me to hold the snake for sometime but I strangely got very scared and just touched the snake as often as I could in that short time. Sandip, the brave Samaritan, held the snake around him and posed for a photograph. And just when we were leaving another baby python man accompanied the python man. I requested them to stand close to I could capture bothh the pythons in my camera. It was exhilarating!

Now we were on our way back and discussing the advertising industry with so much passion anybody could mistake us for the most well read advertisers of the world. The day had been tiring and after having promised to cook some chicken for dinner I chickened out. So, had a lovely bong meal with begun bhaja the second night in a row. It was just amazing.

When I got up the next morning I realised Sandip had almost finished cooking the meal since there were some guests expected that day for lunch. I quickly got ready and cooked the chicken. The great thing about cooking for people here is that they love anything you cook and however it turns out.

I had great conversations with Sudesh and another friend of Sandip who had come and by the time the session was over it was time for me to leave. Went to Sudesh’s house on my way and then promised them to come back soon since they insisted I stay back. Actually, I wanted to stay back but then thought it would be better to go as scheduled and not make any last minute changes.

I boarded the flight and landed late at night in Singapore. It felt like coming back home for the first time and I realised I am beginning to settle into this country at last.

And to the curious, how I was a millionaire, the currency is so low that everything sells in thousands and lacs. And hundred Sing dollars got me about 5 Lac rupiah!

Training Days!

2007-02-16T13:56:00.000+08:00

Jabir moved into the hotel on Monday morning and we rushed to the vnue for our two day training programme in Suntech City. Much to my track record, I managed to reach on time.

The day before had been lethargic and mostly at home, chatting and cooking (I did all the cooking and Chisy with Jabir did all the chatting!). In the evening, we went to the East coast Park and loads of pictures are witness of the lethargy in our eyes. Rahul and Vishal had also joined in so Beer was a necessity and one game of pool was pretty needed. We decided to call it a day pretty early and went back home.

I was trying to send some work related mails out and Jabir was chatting with Santosh. From conversations to Hitler and we were sitting in the living room and watching some documentary on Hitler. By the time we were done wih the documentary and went to bed, Chisy walked into the house and that led us to further conversations and an absolute lack of sleep.

I must add here that the best part about Jabir's stay was that I never needed to make tea in the mornings. Thanks dude. You are missed even more because of that.

Coming back to the training programme. Our faces were sleepy and we were hopnig the session does not put us to sleep. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it alot. It was fun and made some friends. The session ended pretty early on the first day and we went to Jabir's Hotel. I was really tired and dozed off for about half hour till I couldd see Jabir getting exasperated.

Next thing, we are at our favourite hang out in Clarke Quay and went to Hooters. Pelase do not go by the reputation it holds in other parts of the world since it should actually be rechristened Quota Hooters! Another session of Hee Haw and drinking and then went to Crazy Elelphant. Jabir seemed to like this place quite alot and insisted on going there time and again. Couldd not find any stewardess worth the attraction so I believed he likes the ambience.

The next day of training was as much fun but I had to rush back to office after the session to prepare for a meeting the next morning. Jabir till then was to leave the next evening. He meets Sunita at office and plans change in minutes. So, he is staying back for the rest of the week. Was I happy? of course, after a long time I was having an all boys extravaganza and who would ever want this to end.

Once at office I was stuck with various things to complete and Jabir was getting irritable by the minute but trying to keep his calm and insisting on leaving soon.

The lack of sleep in all these days was at an all time high so we did not do much except grabbing a few beers at BrewWorks (finally I get the name right!!!!) and long conversations on our job. By the time I got back home it was past midnight (nothing unusual) and slept late yet again. I was to fetch Jabir from the Hotel the next morning but like always woke up late and could barely manage to reach office just about 15 minutes late.

Three days are up and the more interesting last few days of Jabir's visit will be another piece of writing. If the story has caught your attention, keep checking for the next posting.

Merchant - Marched in and out of Singapore!

2007-02-13T00:35:00.000+08:00

Jabir and I must have had endless conversations on how much fun we would have when he comes to Singapore and he finally arrived at 5.30 hrs by Air India. I had sparesely slept so obviously I could not get up on time and was rushing out of my house to the airport when he called and I did what I always do - lied.

We knew we would have a great time but it would be so fun filled was not expected. We started off with the first evening at Clarke Quay. We went to crazy Elephant and the man in black was all smles with beer over flowing and the pool table calling for him. By the end of the evening, we were pretty high and Santosh had found some common friend who he knew as well. Laughter and "Hail India!" was in the air and Vishal did not drop a single opportunity to express his never ceasing desire to just head back to India. The evening had not even ended when the next day's plan was carefuly drafted.

If it was not for Jabir, I would have never woken up at 10AM. Who on earth gets up so early on a holiday after sleeping at 4 AM? We were headed to Sentosa island and bumped into Elaine at the cab stand. It was great since she gave us a hitch till Harbour front. My new camera was being used to the fullest and after Rahul and Vishal joined us, we were on a Cable Car with a glass bottom (important to quote that since it was the most expensive and wasted almost half hour waiting for the exclusive one)

Rahul, the Engineer was beginning to take control of the camera. I did not mind it much given it ensured I will not be the one behind the camera all the time. And we finally walk through the Merlion and find our very favourite - Bikini Bar (not because we knew anything about the bar but because there was very little to guess given the name). And we had a ball..... For 6 hours all we did was drink and Jabir was busy with Pool. The high point was when he was playing against some Firangis and they lost one after another and kept coming back to lose all over again. All of you who know him can almost visualise his expressions, calm and collected on the outside and inside screaming out - fucker, I got you too! Anyways, these firangi's kept giving lagaan to us in the form of booze on the house for each game that they lost. We were smiling and getting more and more drunk.

We left the bar at about 7 in th evening and were famished since none of us realised that beer is not a food supplement. Went to Holland Village and hogged like there was no tomorrow. Walked into Wala Wala, my favourite saturday night spot that hosts a live band. And to my disappointment, my favourite band was not playing that night. What followed was my usual headache and I held a Tiger balm (can be the best brand ambassador for any pain reliever) and the rest were holding beer bottles. After drinking for 13 hours we were hungry again and went to a food court and ate and ate and ate...

We reached home at about 3AM and woke up the lady marmalade, Chisy busy Das. Had some leg pulling sesions and when could barely keep myself away from the bed, Jabir with yet another drink in hand, insisted that I listen to some Metallica. So, I was on the couch with my eyes shut and nodding along like I was loving the beats while none of it was even passing through my sensory nerves to identify it as sound.

This is how the second day ended. If you think you enjoying the read, leave comments. If you dont, gloat in your so called great writing is not like this attitude. Remember there are 8 more days of fun to go....

Intoxicated!

2007-02-10T01:16:00.000+08:00

Sitting among friends and drinking like there is no tomorrow.... Suddenly realise there is no more booze left to consume. With a sudden chnge in conversation, we have drifted to the new age hindi songs. From conversations to listening to the collection. I can pride on a decent collection of hindi songs given my fondness for music and hindi songs in particular.

While I am writing this piece I am pretty high and all I can hear is the song being played in the background...Khwahishon Pe. In english, it would mean in hope and it is one of the recent romantic songs that can be classified as the good one....

Hey Komal, here comes the song that I must have played till you gave way in your car whenever I would take a ride back in your car in Mumbai. It always reminds me of the days when this song would only have one meaning - my love for my girl friend then. It is history now and so are the emotions. Anyway, I do not intend to drift into another thought....it is the thought of the happy feelins that I intend to write about...

So, Jabir, my colleague and friend is here from Mumbai and I have sparesely slept in the last one week that he has been here. I have reconnected with the fun that I could only imagine in India. Once again it is a proof of my belief that it is not about the plce but about the people.

I think I am too high and it is reflecting in my writing but what the heck, I want to write and I will.

Have you ever read Kafka? My thoughts are floating in my mind like he moves from one paragraph to another, completely disconnected and yet has a link that is unfathomable. Imagine a life where you can drift from the petty things in life like you turn through a page of an interesting book. Each leaf is increasing your appetite to move forward but with each page that you turn the previous ones are just a the fuel to the fire.

My friends think I am queer given I am keying my thoughts while the rest are eating the food so I better sign off

The Painted Veil

2007-01-25T15:53:00.000+08:00

I noticed on Monday that Saumerset Maugham's book has been turned into a movie and I could not wait even till the weekend to catch the show. I pushed Arun into it and we watched the movie last night. It was beautiful as it began with a haunting background score and the beautiful hills in China.

Unlike the book, it ran in flash backs and seemed pretty well narrated given the book deals with extremely complex emotions which are not so easy to express on camera, it may be easier to understand reading the book. I was immersed in the movie and could not help tracing scenes from the book.

To begin Kitty's (protagonist) parents and their relationship was briefly discussed in the book but they were pretty much in one shot of the entire film. I did not quite mind these abberations given the story was to be shown in two hours and the cast was doing a great job. But as the movie moved towards the second half, it almost seemed like for all the effort that Maugham had put in his writing to display the grey shades of life and the darkness of ones soul has been tattered. The change of heart has been so seamless and obvious that it just seems like a movie.

I particularly liked the book because it displays a gradual change in Kitty and does not display any remorse for what she did in the past. The movie reunites the couple but the book never expresses that. It just shows how they begin to get understanding of each other and possibly begin to empathise with each other.

The book seems far true a reflexion of the complex reactions of the human mind, the movie takes a bit of a moral standing. Hence everything that is dark has been justified and cleaned up towards the end. When you read a book you relate to it far more deep in your heart since most of us are not as righteous as we may want to be. More often than not we get swayed with emotions and often do things that are unacceptable but not necessarily wrong. They may be your own interpretation of how you want to lead your life and may not be very considerate towards another individual. Term it selfishness or self centredness or plainly acknowledge its presence.....

For all of you who have not read Maugham, well read it!

Does this bother you too?

2007-01-12T13:53:00.000+08:00

I was on my way to Mumbai and was pretty distracted given I did not want to leave home that evening. Was extremely preoccupied however the sales man in me insisted that I strike a conversation with the gentleman seated next to me in the aircraft. An impressive suit clearly indicated that he was from the corporate world.

A smile and a nod and the conversation began. After knowing each others occupation we were drifting into various topics and then I asked him if he was married. I did not realise that a simple question like that would lead up to revelations beyond my comprehension. He said he was engaged to be married and that he was not particularly excited about it. I began an explanation on how it is tough to deal with the fact that you would as a married man have certain responsibilities that can be unfathomable initially. I think the explanation was not good enough. He looked at me in the eye and said, “ I am gay.” A declaration that came out so easy was rather surprising to me. I tried my best to not look shocked and just nodded along. My immediate question was, “ Why are you marrying a woman?”

Curiosity had the better of me and while I know a few gay men as acquaintances, I never really thought much about what goes on in their part of the world since there clearly is a social divide and has its psychological implications on all.

I think he just wanted to talk aloud since the things he told me were far too personal and under the given circumstances that I was a complete stranger, he shared all that one can possibly imagine and even things that I could not imagine. He had been in a live in relationship with another man who he loved dearly and they were quite happy in their relationship for over 2 years until family pressures got the better of him. His lover was married and in three months of his marriage had deserted his wife to live in with this man. Under the pressure of his family, he crumbled and walked all over his relationship. He was so much into his relationship that the post break up trauma was excrutiating and needed a psychiatric intervention. His lover was forced to go back to his wife and he continues to suffer the pangs of the so called unnatural relationship. He continues to stray and meets men all shapes and sizes to keep his sexual needs satisfied.

I asked this man seated next to me on why he was getting married and how could he even term his marriage, the one of love. He sure did not love her since all he kept talking about is his Ex – lover. It was certainly not my business but I could not help telling him that he is lying to somebody who possibly loves him dearly and it certainly cannot be right.

He even went on to say that even after marriage he would stray and would have relationships with men outside his marriage. At the same time he claims that his fiancé is his emotional anchor and he would definitely keep her happy. He said he would ensure she has all the happiness in this world. “ Do you think you can satisfy her physically?” “ Have you been intimate enough to even know if you can?” He said he had been fairly intimate in the last few weeks and though they had not done it all, he felt it was pretty decent and he should not have a problem in the future.

I was amazed at his clarity of thoughts but one thing that struck me was that all that he was doing, right or wrong was to get acceptance by family and in the social circuit. He said that he had never felt that level of respect till he had a girl next to him.

While there are many people across the streets of Mumbai and the rest of the world, each one is battling to either survive his sexuality or give into the social conditioning. What really annoys me is that to gain the acceptance they are all set to use a person who is not only oblivious to the intentions, she very well maybe extremely dreamy about her future.

It is not fair that social norms should create such a wide divide between people with varied sexual preferences but what certainly is not quite right is the fact that this social stigma leads to alliances which are certainly based on lies and extremely flawed.

I was just thinking that when I have a family eventually and have a child who grows up to realise he is gay would I behave just the way most of the parents do? “ Stop this else we will hang ourselves.” is what my friend was told time and again. It is extremely easy to sit in a corner and pass judgement on the criminal social norms and the ever so criminal outcomes of it. Would we certainly not be a replica of the parents who are trying to erase a social stigma before the world gets ear of it? Or we will have the courage to support the child and help him accept his sexuality and go on with it so he has the strength to lead a normal life and make choices that are normal to him.

A Portion from The Moon and the Six Pence

2006-12-21T16:00:00.000+08:00

“I suppose that everyone's conception of the passion is formed on his own idiosyncrasies, and it is different with every different person.”

“The experience of life shows that people are constantly doing things which must lead to disaster, and yet by some chance manage to evade the result of their folly.”

“There is no cruelty greater than a woman's to a man who loves her and whom she does not love; she has no kindness then, no tolerance even, she has only an insane irritation”

I am reading Maugham’s yet another masterpiece and if I say I am thoroughly enjoying it, it still does not go out to express my feelings entirely. The depiction of every character besides being extremely mortal is also plainly grey. There is no perfection and in this imperfection is the perfect synchrony.

I have just completed the portion where Strickland has moved into his friend’s house and has put his life to a stop. The expressions used to characterise the woman involved is not only an indication of his understanding of women, it also goes out to say that in so many years, a woman still remains one with the same characteristics.

The one sentence just summarises a woman’s expression towards love and when she loses interest in it. Strangely, men seem to be far more varied compared to the women described in his books both in character and assimilation. From a soft hearted to a faint hearted, a morbid person to a strong one there is a variety that cannot be encapsulated so easily.

I do ascribe to most of his expressions however I still feel that he is a bit harsh towards a woman. A reminder Of Human Bondage and the way the book describes the love of a man for a woman who is anything but sophisticated in her ways. Women mostly come across as the faint hearted, flighty and with very minimal integrity and while I am too inexperienced to say otherwise, I would hope that they are not as lowly as they are depicted. Did I just sound judgemental or seems like I am yet to move from sentimentality to reality. This would help me be more open and less questioning of right from wrong.

Thanks Maugham for an absolutely delightful a tale!

My first few months in Singapore

2006-10-23T17:26:00.000+08:00

I landed in the land of opportunities with my current assignment on 26th July 2006. My first memorable experience that I will carry to my grave was while loitering the streets of the city. I was waiting at the free left signal for a bus to pass by and to my surprise the bus driver stopped, smiled and waved at me to go on first. I was astonished since this does not happen from where I come. We savour the pleasure of battling the traffic as pedestrians and battling the traffic while in a vehicle.

I have been on my own for about 13 years since I left home for Delhi to pursue my under graduate studies and it was very surprising to find myself feeling lonely. I have felt lonely sometimes but this was like I had moved away from home for the first time.

For an entire day, the only people I had spoken to were these people working in the hotel and it was excrutiating. My tone of voice was signal enough for family and friends to get alarmed that something was not so right. As I began work, everything seemed so different and I would have never appreicated my country as much as I did now.

I think this emnates from the cultural difference of both the countries but it certainly was tough, extremely tough to get by each day. I always believed that I was a good actor given the acting skills to call sick but I could not hide the sadness and my peers could notice it rather clear. It was embarrasing to hear a colleague ask if I was doing alright since it seemed I had not been sleeping too well. Actually, I wasn't sleeping too well given that I was home sick. I would treat every passing day as an accomplishment and never really bothered to explore the city.

I lingered over moving back but was reminded in time that I had to survive it and it can't be so tough to just hold ones barrels for a while. I decided to begin making friends. I had lost the habit of seeking friends and suddenly felt like I was back in school trying to begin the social conditioning.

What followed was a spate of interactions and great disappoints given while it was fun to be around people, I could not find a single soul I would not mind being around anytime. You know one of those things, I could not particularly click!

I met Arun after having spent about a month and I think we just clicked. Over a few meetings we became buddies and suddenly we were getting drunk on Monday nights till about 3AM and headed to work the next morning. I began enjoying the city. It brought me closer to a life I had left about 4 years ago to be more engrossed in work and not particularly a fun person.

It is only about 3 months in Singapore and I would not say I have begun to love the city yet but I certainly have begun to enjoy it here. It may take a little more time for me to be able to use 'la' and 'can' like verbs, adverbs, cunjunctions at anytime and may take eternity for me to be able to pronounce 'already' as 'oready' but one realisation is daunting - It is not about the place ever, it is mostly about the people that makes a place. Thanks Arun!