Just about myself !

It’s a strange day. A day to remember the past! Reminisce the childhood days with relatively no worries, the days of adolescence when the world around was always more stupid, the beginning of adulthood and the spate of relationships and the happy go lucky me moving from one city to another in search of a better vocation.

Am overwhelmed and when I close my eyes and look back there is nothing I would like to change. The people who came into my life and the lives I walked all over have transformed me in their own way. A dreamy eyed young boy who thought he was born for a purpose and for most of his life he tried to decipher the hidden codes to read the purpose to himself. In so many years, the energy is never failing but the hunt for the purpose is certainly defused.

As a child I would always wake up with nightmares and could see some laughing masks around me. It indeed was scary and so vivid I still remember those masks. In the growing years I tried to understand the meaning of those dreams but just could not unravel the code. Did I give up? No, just ignored it and moved ahead.

The early years were extremely protected and hence I was anything but self-reliant. But defiance is genetic and hence a sense of independence was extremely natural. College suddenly put me amidst strangers in a metropolitan city and away from my warm and protected shield. I was lost and all I would do is sulk away my fears. The only thing that kept me going was the realisation that change is for better.

Time never ceased to move rapidly and I was in a relationship even before I could get a whiff of a sense of responsibility. One thing led to another and the relationship moved gears and went out of my life the way I moved from Delhi to Bangalore for my post graduation. It was just so natural.

In so many years and with so much to do, I kept enough time to just vegetate and not do much. Just lie on my couch with an open book and dreamy eyes and thoughts of something that will just change everything around me. Sometimes even a new pair of shoes would affirm my belief that life is going to change dramatically. Whether it did change is not so important, what is important is that I enjoyed the feeling of the change that may touch upon me.

Of course I am extremely restless but can sometimes hold that within the exterior pale face that almost looks dull at times. I can be a wall in a gathering and exuberant in another. Moody as hell and get agitated when I begin to get comfortable in a city. The feeling of being unsettled is a huge driver that forces me to befriend new people and do new things.

In the last many years of life the only thing that hold me together is the animal instinct to survive. Whether a broken relationship or the lonely days alone, a bad day at work or the nature of work itself being boring, I survive it each day and can smile to myself for the beautiful and ugly experiences of life. The pain that reminds me that I am living and the joys that remind me that I am ready to move on.