Reflection

I just called my friend to wish her on her birthday and all I could her was a frail voice making sounds that I could not comprehend. I tried very hard to understand what she was trying to express but I failed. She continued to communicate with the varying decibels of the sound and I found myself at loss of words. Did not know whether to ask a question(I continued to do so however?) since the different sounds were incomprehensible to me.

She had met with an accident about 2 years ago with one tiny scar on her body as external injury and in a coma for more than two months. The doctors say she must be a very strong willed person to show such speedy recovery. At this point she can recognize people and groan and make all kinds of sounds to express her feelings. She is immobile since she cannot move her legs. They say her motor function is not working yet.

The last time I met her before her accident was just before I moved to Singapore and had spent a few hours talking about all the inane things in life. Through my break up she was a constant support after I moved here. I still remember the mails she would write and how everything she said would always make more sense. She was doing her PHD from AIIMS in psychiatry so she definitely knew how to deal with weak hearted people like me. And one fine day I hear about her accident.

Not a soul who knew her could not afford to get affected. I kept worrying about her for a few weeks and then life took over me too. I remember going over to Meerut to visit her which was purely on impulse and I remember all her family members continued to assure me that she is much better. She had difficulty remembering everyone so I was warned that she may have lost my face in all the other sensory disabilities that had followed.

I walked into her room and stood there motionless and while everyone in the room was trying to get a response from her I was not even bothered if she remembered me. I just wanted to run away like one wants to from all the difficult situations. My mind kept telling me to act calm but my face rejected all these instructions. Now I was worried she would get affected by my stone faced fixture.

I sat next to her and she continued to stare at me. I was trying to put on my fake smile and I never remember a fake smile finding it so difficult to stay on my face. And then she said something in her different sounds and moved hr hand towards me. She held my hand and held it rather hard and kept staring at me. I just wanted to cry and cry like I had never cried before but I kept smiling and her noises went from one tune to another. I wish I could comprehend what she wanted to say but I could not even guess.

I stayed at her house for an entire day and except when she was alone resting, she was holding my hand. I remember eating lunch with my right hand holding her hand. I could not believe I was seeing one of the most beautiful people I know going through the most dreadful life.

I felt extremely humbled by that experience and remember not complaining about anything in my life that did not go quite right for sometime. What could be worse than waiting seven years to get the family consent to marry the man she loved and then meeting with an accident just three months before her wedding and leading the life that she does until today?

Again speaking with her today, I feel that all the spite, jealousy, anger is so baseless. If you know you are going to die tomorrow, would you want to fight or make up with people who matter to you. All of us have our own idiosyncrasy and we deal with them in our own way but should you walk away from people who have cared for you?

I know this feeling will last a few days and then the deception and the small talks will take precedence over everything else that should matter.