Last evening I attended my first chinese wedding. At this stage in life, even a mention of weddings just seems to make me uncomfortable and till the last minute all I did was contemplate on how I could duck out of the situation. Trust me it sounded a really grave one. But then I went back home after work and got ready and suddenly felt it was inevitable hence just landed at Fullerton Hotel.
After having found the ballroom, I just walked in and was complimented by each of my colleagues for the way I looked. Immediate phase of feel good. I looked around and asked my colleagues where do I drop my Ang Pau, and they looked nearly shocked. I had walked past a registration desk who would receive it with a smile and then direct me to my table. Is this a wedding or a Seminar????
Thanks to Elaine for coming back with me there and helping me with it. I settled myself on the assigned BBC table and smiling at colleagues I kept thinking it is too much of a show piece. It almost looked like a scene from the Hollywood movies (pardon my ignorance as I have never really enjoyed weddings and especially not if it is not somebody in my immediate family where I have a decent control over things.
The only wedding that was like a dream and beautiful according to me was Arun and Renu's. Had written a complete piece on it and it is on the blog for reference if you like. And this one was such a contrast. Loud, lavish and reeked of alot of money spent. A huge screen that was running the pictures of the couple and then some videos and then the bridal walk and the toast.
It almost felt like they had done everything together for the purpose of making those moments to their wedding. All along I was having a good time but in my mind was skeptical of everything I saw. But then the couple walked up to the stage and there was a look they exchanged and I noticed it. It was that moment of truth for the the critic in me. They were truly happy to be together and unite in holy matrimony and that one thought just changed the way I was looking at everything until now. Suddenly, I realized they were celebrating their togetherness and willingness to be together like they wished to an they were having a great time. It may not be based on my sensibility but what the hell, I am not the one getting married so should I not just let them be.
That moment on I really began enjoying truly. The pictures and the conversations and then an after wedding party at MOS. I have recently started wearing lenses and it was hurting terribly after a long day but it failed ot dampen my spirits. I danced for hours and was sweating like a a pig. I had a great time.
The highlight of the evening was meeting a gentleman who called himself the great great grandson of Lord Byron. I remember my expressions really well. My jaws fell in awe of hims since he is related to one of my favourite poets. Then he started blabbering and abusing the poet and how he was under the Phoenix. None of it made sense anymore since he was drunk and was abusing somebody I respect immensely for his art. So, the conversation did not last long and I just ignored my way to the dance floor.
Please note none of my colleagues had even heard of Lord Byron. But ask then about Michael Bubble:)
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Change - How I wish it was sooner
Today is another bad day. Feel restless and in need of reassurances. Strangely I have not been able to get over much in the last two years. Life seems to be at a standstill and nothing seems to change. Hope is all I had and hope is what I am losing by the day.
It is strange how in the last few weeks so much has just changed and so many things have just left me exhausted and extremely lost. I seek direction and I do not know where I can find that direction.
My friend and I have a strained relation and it just all happened before I could even realize the intensity of it. It must be brewing for long but then it just snapped out of nowhere. It would be a lie if I suggest it does not bother me since it always bothers me when someone dear to me just moves away. Anyway, more of that later.
The other day I had a long chat with Akshay and I must admit I knew I was just talking without really comprehending much. Was trying to justify everything without realising that none of what I said was even coherent. My mind continued to wander but I must admit that I felt good at the end of the long conversation. It was like he was holding the mirror to me and after having denied all the scars I began to notice each one of them.
There is so much to be happy about. There is so much to cherish but I continue to linger on what I have lost and what I believe I may have lost. I wonder sometimes when life would get better. When the dense will leave me alone….
It is strange how in the last few weeks so much has just changed and so many things have just left me exhausted and extremely lost. I seek direction and I do not know where I can find that direction.
My friend and I have a strained relation and it just all happened before I could even realize the intensity of it. It must be brewing for long but then it just snapped out of nowhere. It would be a lie if I suggest it does not bother me since it always bothers me when someone dear to me just moves away. Anyway, more of that later.
The other day I had a long chat with Akshay and I must admit I knew I was just talking without really comprehending much. Was trying to justify everything without realising that none of what I said was even coherent. My mind continued to wander but I must admit that I felt good at the end of the long conversation. It was like he was holding the mirror to me and after having denied all the scars I began to notice each one of them.
There is so much to be happy about. There is so much to cherish but I continue to linger on what I have lost and what I believe I may have lost. I wonder sometimes when life would get better. When the dense will leave me alone….
Saturday, December 22, 2007
An Equal Music
Its 3AM in the morning and I have just completed An Equal Music. It would be a disgrace if I do not write about the book hence could not leave it until later.
I remember starting the book and hoping that I will get past the nearly 500 pages and now that the book has been read by the word it seems like I just experienced something that I had never imagined. It is the journey that you take with reluctance but as you move you ahead, it engulfs you so completely, you never want the journey to end. It goes into the top 10 favourite books of all times and the sheer joy every word gave me.
In the last few weeks, each time I picked up the book I was in another world, another world with similar impossibilities posing at the narrator, the simple and lyrical interpretation of the author just leaves me amazed. We all live complicated lives but few of us immerse themselves into these complications rather than attempting to get out of it. Michael to me is one such person who has lost the love of his life on his own accord and hence lives a life with an effort to survive every day. His passion, his music helps him remain sane through his nights and days of loneliness until he meets Julia again and love ignites the both again. The complications that surface then just break and re create new barriers in their lives.
This book makes me want to hear Bach and travel to Europe (Rochsdale, Yorkshire) it makes me want to find that one thing that would ignite a passion in me to live my life around it. It helps me reflect on my life and think. Think about the better and the worse that make my life more meaningful. The story just forces me to accept the darkness with as much willingness as the light. It makes me want to learn to cherish every moment for being able to shed some more of my inhibitions and insecurities.
It is about living and just living instead of living with hopes and expectations.
I remember starting the book and hoping that I will get past the nearly 500 pages and now that the book has been read by the word it seems like I just experienced something that I had never imagined. It is the journey that you take with reluctance but as you move you ahead, it engulfs you so completely, you never want the journey to end. It goes into the top 10 favourite books of all times and the sheer joy every word gave me.
In the last few weeks, each time I picked up the book I was in another world, another world with similar impossibilities posing at the narrator, the simple and lyrical interpretation of the author just leaves me amazed. We all live complicated lives but few of us immerse themselves into these complications rather than attempting to get out of it. Michael to me is one such person who has lost the love of his life on his own accord and hence lives a life with an effort to survive every day. His passion, his music helps him remain sane through his nights and days of loneliness until he meets Julia again and love ignites the both again. The complications that surface then just break and re create new barriers in their lives.
This book makes me want to hear Bach and travel to Europe (Rochsdale, Yorkshire) it makes me want to find that one thing that would ignite a passion in me to live my life around it. It helps me reflect on my life and think. Think about the better and the worse that make my life more meaningful. The story just forces me to accept the darkness with as much willingness as the light. It makes me want to learn to cherish every moment for being able to shed some more of my inhibitions and insecurities.
It is about living and just living instead of living with hopes and expectations.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Notes from the week gone by....
Its Sunday evening and usually the time of day when I begin to start feeling stressed. Monday morning means another spate of conversations at work to discuss the way ahead and the greater emphasis on what one must do and what one has not done so far. I am sure for most of us the blues begin earlier than monday.
The last week was another not so eventful one but I can tick off the calendar and smile at myself for passing through these days too. Had a terrible sprain on my shoulder and that meant I could not go to the gym. Strangely, I have not been somebody who was much into sports but in the last few months I have become hooked to exercising and when I am unable to make it to the gym for any reason it fills me with guilt. I am missing those hours of sweating the mind and body out. I hope I would be able to go back there by the coming wednesday and get back to my routine.
I watched Khoya Khoya Chand, a much awaited movie and not to my surprise my friends did not like the movie much. I saw myself defending the movie. I think it is a mediocre movie with a good script but some failed moments. Some performances are brilliant and others can be ignored. I did like the spirit of the film though and what failed me entirely is the fact that they have attempted to make is a classy film and the moment the effort shows somewhere the movie has failed in that sense. I would still recommend it to my friends and certainly welcome their opinion.
I am reading An Equal Music for sometime now and I must admit that the book just draws me by its sheer simplicity of words and expression. I remember wanting to put the book down before even finishing the first 50 pages but after making that effort to leaf past the 50th page, I was in for a pleasant surprise. The recklessness in a man can leave him wanting for all that he had ceased to desire and the impossibility of it certainly makes it even more desirable. I believe that many of us are just plain mourners and just need and excuse to believe they are suffering at the hands of their own doing or the doing of somebody else. I know of alteast one person who is like that and any of you can guess who it is. Of course I am talking about myself here. There is a line in the book that just seemed so apt and not putting it down here would be unfair.
"From time to time my doubts disperse, and seem to appraise the scene from a perspective where, against its custom, the past rises to bless, not haunt, and where every impossibility seems possible again."
The last week was another not so eventful one but I can tick off the calendar and smile at myself for passing through these days too. Had a terrible sprain on my shoulder and that meant I could not go to the gym. Strangely, I have not been somebody who was much into sports but in the last few months I have become hooked to exercising and when I am unable to make it to the gym for any reason it fills me with guilt. I am missing those hours of sweating the mind and body out. I hope I would be able to go back there by the coming wednesday and get back to my routine.
I watched Khoya Khoya Chand, a much awaited movie and not to my surprise my friends did not like the movie much. I saw myself defending the movie. I think it is a mediocre movie with a good script but some failed moments. Some performances are brilliant and others can be ignored. I did like the spirit of the film though and what failed me entirely is the fact that they have attempted to make is a classy film and the moment the effort shows somewhere the movie has failed in that sense. I would still recommend it to my friends and certainly welcome their opinion.
I am reading An Equal Music for sometime now and I must admit that the book just draws me by its sheer simplicity of words and expression. I remember wanting to put the book down before even finishing the first 50 pages but after making that effort to leaf past the 50th page, I was in for a pleasant surprise. The recklessness in a man can leave him wanting for all that he had ceased to desire and the impossibility of it certainly makes it even more desirable. I believe that many of us are just plain mourners and just need and excuse to believe they are suffering at the hands of their own doing or the doing of somebody else. I know of alteast one person who is like that and any of you can guess who it is. Of course I am talking about myself here. There is a line in the book that just seemed so apt and not putting it down here would be unfair.
"From time to time my doubts disperse, and seem to appraise the scene from a perspective where, against its custom, the past rises to bless, not haunt, and where every impossibility seems possible again."
Saturday, November 17, 2007
The Strength of a Family
At home celebrating our very own Bihari festival, "Chath". The break was much desired and even more needed to regain my sanity. In the chase for all the tangible and intangible aspirations I had lost track of the simple things in life that make living easier and worthwhile. Just could not ignore the thoughts that began to cross my mind as the unwinding from the cosmopolitan life began at home amidst family. This is where I was born and always felt like a misfit believing that I was meant for better things. Aspirations were never about who I wanted to be but about the life I wanted to lead and it certainly wasn't anywhere close to what I desired. The life I have today back in Singapore has some semblance to where I wanted to be.
Now that I am closer to where my aspirations led me, I feel at loss yet again. It gives me all the comfort but the simplicity of life that I never valued begins to grin at me. I miss just saying anything aloud without the worry of getting judged and here at home I can pass off with anything I say or do. Unconditional love is all that I get and I am assimilating all of it to be able to withstand the cosmetic world out there where I will cast a mask efficiently and begin the act no sooner do I land back in Singapore.
I just realised that I had not laughed so much in the last one year, had not uttered as much meaningless words and made people laugh at my own stupidity. It is amazing to have a family that holds you like you never need to worry about anything. It just builds you with so much strength to battle anything outside. It fills me with hope that someday when I have a family of my own (which should be sooner given my friends believe age is not on my side:-)) I will be able to hold it together like my parents and offer acts of selflessness like my brother.
Imagine the child in me that never ceases to demand and my family that never fails to succumb to each of them. To the world I am a grown up man and I still have a chance to go back to being a child as soon as I am back here. It feels great to be here and feels even better to know that my family prides in me for who I have become as a person. It fills me with pride too.
So, all the questioning looks and critical analysis of my being can take a back seat, this is why I always do my own thing and right or wrong, impulsive or well thought, my life is my own doing.
Now that I am closer to where my aspirations led me, I feel at loss yet again. It gives me all the comfort but the simplicity of life that I never valued begins to grin at me. I miss just saying anything aloud without the worry of getting judged and here at home I can pass off with anything I say or do. Unconditional love is all that I get and I am assimilating all of it to be able to withstand the cosmetic world out there where I will cast a mask efficiently and begin the act no sooner do I land back in Singapore.
I just realised that I had not laughed so much in the last one year, had not uttered as much meaningless words and made people laugh at my own stupidity. It is amazing to have a family that holds you like you never need to worry about anything. It just builds you with so much strength to battle anything outside. It fills me with hope that someday when I have a family of my own (which should be sooner given my friends believe age is not on my side:-)) I will be able to hold it together like my parents and offer acts of selflessness like my brother.
Imagine the child in me that never ceases to demand and my family that never fails to succumb to each of them. To the world I am a grown up man and I still have a chance to go back to being a child as soon as I am back here. It feels great to be here and feels even better to know that my family prides in me for who I have become as a person. It fills me with pride too.
So, all the questioning looks and critical analysis of my being can take a back seat, this is why I always do my own thing and right or wrong, impulsive or well thought, my life is my own doing.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Gibberish - Classical Conditioning
It has ben sometime since I scribled on my blog. Some of my friends have been checking on me and asking me to write more often. The last few attempts were futile since I could not get myself to frame two sentences that made any sense. I am beginning to realise that I am becoming a martyr for no cause and it makes me dizzy sometimes.
Its embarassing to continue to feel disillusioned and then fill out pages whining about the how lost am I situation on the blog. When I read other's blogs (my favourites are Arun and Akshay of course) it fills me with a sense of urgency to get out and beyond the lost kid mode. Yes Akshay you are right, I need to take the same remedial steps that I continue to preach and the truth is I am not doing anything about it.
Some of my friends are really concerned about how I am leading up to fulfilment in my personal life and clearly I am not demonstrating much strength or tact in being able to steer clear of further complications. Honestly, I do not mind the uncertainty and I think I am still not willing to drift away from things I believe in(regardless of the complications).
Have any of you read Kafka? He has a knack of writing paragraphs which do not connect to each other and really baffling the reader from time to time. I may not be a literary genius like him but certainly this piece is going to lend itself to a similar response from my dear readers.
Before I sign off let me share what I have been up to.....
- Watched a few desi movies - Laaga Chunari and Bhool Bhulaiya... No comments just that I will continue to watch my bollywood movies :-)
- Watched a lovely movie - Death at a funeral
- Have read a few pages of An Equal Music and suddenly lost all interest in reading. To get myself back on track I went to Borders and picked up two new books. Kept them back in my book shelf an attempting to continue with Equal Music. It is not about the book, it is about my distracted soul.... Will be back to reading in a few days.
- Looking forward to my trip back home
- Going mad shopping gifts. Its always tough. So many friends and family.
Well, I sign off here.
Its embarassing to continue to feel disillusioned and then fill out pages whining about the how lost am I situation on the blog. When I read other's blogs (my favourites are Arun and Akshay of course) it fills me with a sense of urgency to get out and beyond the lost kid mode. Yes Akshay you are right, I need to take the same remedial steps that I continue to preach and the truth is I am not doing anything about it.
Some of my friends are really concerned about how I am leading up to fulfilment in my personal life and clearly I am not demonstrating much strength or tact in being able to steer clear of further complications. Honestly, I do not mind the uncertainty and I think I am still not willing to drift away from things I believe in(regardless of the complications).
Have any of you read Kafka? He has a knack of writing paragraphs which do not connect to each other and really baffling the reader from time to time. I may not be a literary genius like him but certainly this piece is going to lend itself to a similar response from my dear readers.
Before I sign off let me share what I have been up to.....
- Watched a few desi movies - Laaga Chunari and Bhool Bhulaiya... No comments just that I will continue to watch my bollywood movies :-)
- Watched a lovely movie - Death at a funeral
- Have read a few pages of An Equal Music and suddenly lost all interest in reading. To get myself back on track I went to Borders and picked up two new books. Kept them back in my book shelf an attempting to continue with Equal Music. It is not about the book, it is about my distracted soul.... Will be back to reading in a few days.
- Looking forward to my trip back home
- Going mad shopping gifts. Its always tough. So many friends and family.
Well, I sign off here.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Six Days and still going strong
I remember how I would always tell my erstwhile girlfriend that I smoke because I enjoy it and not because I am addicted to it. Had assured and re assured her that I would quit when I decide to and it would not be difficult to do so. I can see how true and not so true my statement was.
I have quit when I decided but it is an addiction and a difficult one to get past. The worst for me began on Monday when I was so awfully low. Life seemed meaningless and I knew it was not about anything of relavance or importance but just because my body was blackmailing me to light a cigarette. I am glad that I can control my urge to pick up a pack and light just one cigarette when nobody's watching. The reason I can control my urge is because I am feeling much better in terms of my fitness. Somehow my head seems less clogged and though the withdrawal is not letting me sleep very long hours I am waking up fresh and that is a surprise. I dont remember the last time I woke up without my eye bags pulling my eyes in different directions.
The most interesting experience is the reaction of people around me. Let me begin with the jealous ones or so I would want to call them - ya ya, I had quit for 3 months but got back to it (very encouraging), you will gain alot of weight, I gained 7 pounds (were you feeding on elephants?), good show, how many days did you say with that peculiar look suggesting another minute and you will light one ( and well you make me want to quit so much more)
The best reactions are from 3 people :
1. Arun - a long comment on how good this impulsive decision was ( look look not everything impulsive is so silly)
2. Awantika & Rahul - this one is like filling out a report. every now and again a message pops up and if I am even a measly bit lost, they immediately start giving me really interesting alternate options on things to do so I am distracted from the urge
3. APSD -Have really bothered him the most. It seems like my birth right to pile on to him. He is the one who gave me a 5 min speech on the goodness of smoking and since then has been completely supportive of my decision. And each time I want to talk about how much I want to smoke, he is at my rescue.
I think this pretty much encapsulates my experience so far. It may not be great and closer to being horrid but it surely makes me feel great to resist smoking. I dont know whether I will quit for good or track my steps back but I sure do feel great to have made the effort.
All that writing on cigarette addiction, am sure you all realise how big a deal it is for me :-)
I have quit when I decided but it is an addiction and a difficult one to get past. The worst for me began on Monday when I was so awfully low. Life seemed meaningless and I knew it was not about anything of relavance or importance but just because my body was blackmailing me to light a cigarette. I am glad that I can control my urge to pick up a pack and light just one cigarette when nobody's watching. The reason I can control my urge is because I am feeling much better in terms of my fitness. Somehow my head seems less clogged and though the withdrawal is not letting me sleep very long hours I am waking up fresh and that is a surprise. I dont remember the last time I woke up without my eye bags pulling my eyes in different directions.
The most interesting experience is the reaction of people around me. Let me begin with the jealous ones or so I would want to call them - ya ya, I had quit for 3 months but got back to it (very encouraging), you will gain alot of weight, I gained 7 pounds (were you feeding on elephants?), good show, how many days did you say with that peculiar look suggesting another minute and you will light one ( and well you make me want to quit so much more)
The best reactions are from 3 people :
1. Arun - a long comment on how good this impulsive decision was ( look look not everything impulsive is so silly)
2. Awantika & Rahul - this one is like filling out a report. every now and again a message pops up and if I am even a measly bit lost, they immediately start giving me really interesting alternate options on things to do so I am distracted from the urge
3. APSD -Have really bothered him the most. It seems like my birth right to pile on to him. He is the one who gave me a 5 min speech on the goodness of smoking and since then has been completely supportive of my decision. And each time I want to talk about how much I want to smoke, he is at my rescue.
I think this pretty much encapsulates my experience so far. It may not be great and closer to being horrid but it surely makes me feel great to resist smoking. I dont know whether I will quit for good or track my steps back but I sure do feel great to have made the effort.
All that writing on cigarette addiction, am sure you all realise how big a deal it is for me :-)
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