Reflection

I just called my friend to wish her on her birthday and all I could her was a frail voice making sounds that I could not comprehend. I tried very hard to understand what she was trying to express but I failed. She continued to communicate with the varying decibels of the sound and I found myself at loss of words. Did not know whether to ask a question(I continued to do so however?) since the different sounds were incomprehensible to me.

She had met with an accident about 2 years ago with one tiny scar on her body as external injury and in a coma for more than two months. The doctors say she must be a very strong willed person to show such speedy recovery. At this point she can recognize people and groan and make all kinds of sounds to express her feelings. She is immobile since she cannot move her legs. They say her motor function is not working yet.

The last time I met her before her accident was just before I moved to Singapore and had spent a few hours talking about all the inane things in life. Through my break up she was a constant support after I moved here. I still remember the mails she would write and how everything she said would always make more sense. She was doing her PHD from AIIMS in psychiatry so she definitely knew how to deal with weak hearted people like me. And one fine day I hear about her accident.

Not a soul who knew her could not afford to get affected. I kept worrying about her for a few weeks and then life took over me too. I remember going over to Meerut to visit her which was purely on impulse and I remember all her family members continued to assure me that she is much better. She had difficulty remembering everyone so I was warned that she may have lost my face in all the other sensory disabilities that had followed.

I walked into her room and stood there motionless and while everyone in the room was trying to get a response from her I was not even bothered if she remembered me. I just wanted to run away like one wants to from all the difficult situations. My mind kept telling me to act calm but my face rejected all these instructions. Now I was worried she would get affected by my stone faced fixture.

I sat next to her and she continued to stare at me. I was trying to put on my fake smile and I never remember a fake smile finding it so difficult to stay on my face. And then she said something in her different sounds and moved hr hand towards me. She held my hand and held it rather hard and kept staring at me. I just wanted to cry and cry like I had never cried before but I kept smiling and her noises went from one tune to another. I wish I could comprehend what she wanted to say but I could not even guess.

I stayed at her house for an entire day and except when she was alone resting, she was holding my hand. I remember eating lunch with my right hand holding her hand. I could not believe I was seeing one of the most beautiful people I know going through the most dreadful life.

I felt extremely humbled by that experience and remember not complaining about anything in my life that did not go quite right for sometime. What could be worse than waiting seven years to get the family consent to marry the man she loved and then meeting with an accident just three months before her wedding and leading the life that she does until today?

Again speaking with her today, I feel that all the spite, jealousy, anger is so baseless. If you know you are going to die tomorrow, would you want to fight or make up with people who matter to you. All of us have our own idiosyncrasy and we deal with them in our own way but should you walk away from people who have cared for you?

I know this feeling will last a few days and then the deception and the small talks will take precedence over everything else that should matter.

Gibberish

I could not help laughing when my sister just blurted out something on my love life over the years. She, as oblivious and as proud about everything I ever did or would do, believes I have just had absolute control over all my relationships and I could just cut out of each one of them anytime without an ounce of stress. Little does she know how I went through two years of begging, self pity and loads of loathing for myself over one broken relationship. It just got me thinking harder than I usually choose to these days and realised that every person I know knows me in a different light.

Like a Chameleon, I have different shades surfacing at different times with different people. Strangely, each one of my friends or family or acquaintances think they know me the best and so from being looked upon as this awestruck dumbo to the super sweet; the in control of everything in life to the ever chaotic mind. There is not a friend I know who does not get protective and begins to take on the role of a guardian. Nor do I know two people sharing the same opinion about me.

Am sure it happens to most of the people and hence it is not something that needs so much thinking but I seriously think that in my case it is really a bit off the normal track. There are enough and more people who find me sly or cunning and more and more believe that I am gullible and extremely likeable.

I do not have the heart to say that I am only some or none of the above since at different occasions I have behaved differently and so differently that at times I fail to recognize myself.

I must admit that I am living a full life. It has every tone of being human hence all my actions are human (whether moral or immoral, right or wrong). In these years there is very little that I regret and every experience is embraced with equal excitement.

The strange thing is that all my friends believe that they know me very well and especially so when they are at their patronising best. It breaks my heart to even remotely brush away that concern but the truth is when I am still exploring the self, it is definitely not possible for anybody to be able to cast me in box.

Do I mind any of the assumptions that people make? No. They have a right to their opinion and their judgement and some closer to my heart may pass a verdict too. I am horrible at moving away from people I get to know once and that is the only boon and bane of my existence.

I have been told at more occassions than one that life needs to be black or white but I cant help my love for the colour grey. Just a thought, dont we all like the colour grey? Some delve into it and decide to stay grey in the closet and others just embrace and walk with it like it affirms their personality.

Happiness - How external is that?

The day passed me by and I spent most of it attempting to control the urge to crib about things in general. I never realised how and when I became this extremely distant person (and not distant from others but from myself). Thanks to Radhika since she in her very sweet way has been showing the convoluted parts of me. It takes immense practice to get rid of a bad habit and bit by bit I have managed to work towards changing that about myself. But today was the test after weeks of no sign of feeling miserable, it surfaced again. Work and other extremely stressful situations must be to blame.

By noon I was all set to bury everything good in life and just linger on the sadness around me, the confusions, the losses, the miscommunication and lack of judgement.It was a battle inside to just stay happy regardless of the many reasons to sulk and I managed to pretend to be cheerful through the day.

Work out as usual was energising and helped me stay further in control of my emotions. I kept crying tearfully inside and smiling like the happiest man one could ever find. And guess what, the smile won over the sulk. I am feeling cheerful again and life looks more meaningful again.

So, the mantra is when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, go back to sleep or just fall off the bed but dont let the side of the bed decide your day. If I work hard I can stay happy regardless of all the worries and bitterness around me and I will continue to work as hard as it takes to keep myself happy.

Liar Liar....

I was a terribly god fearing kid and could never lie even for the simplest of things in life. I remember there were times when I would stand tall and look dumbly at my teacher awaiting a lecture when all I had to do is lie.

I dont remember the first time I played the Lie tune but do remember the sudden rush of blood on my face. And I may not be able to thank my genes for much of the looks but for one that it displays a certain vulnerability that made my lie look more truthful than a zillion truths. That was the moment. The moment I held on to.

Anytime a friend was in distress and needed some help, here I was ready to lie and protect his interest. I would only lie to save something,a friend, unnecessary arguments and to escape any sermons.

I pretty much followed that for most of my life till I landed in Singapore. I had honed my lying skills well enough with a sales job where a lie comes before any truth. My apology to the fellow sales people but in case you thought it was a secret, it sure is an open secret.

Ok, I landed in Singapore and was going through a devastating time when I just started playing a lie for fun and somebody calls from India and asks about the weather, "Its pouring. Have never seen such rains." And you can pretty much guess it was bright and sunny in my part of the world.

It became a habit and I had begun to enjoy it. Late to work, no problem at all, I have loads of excuses ad trust me they are never lame:-).And this is the time I became the late comer everywhere,

"Hey, where are you? I have been waiting for the last 15 min."
"On my way, stuck in traffic. Shall be there in the next 10 minutes."

Actually, I was still in bed and had completely forgotten about the commitment. And I land 40 minutes later to their irritability and my spate of lies that followed and in most cases satisfied the other party.

I think I have no regrets about it and friends who know me well have accepted that about me and they are the ones I have stopped lying to. I have met some cynical, I am god types who had issues with my silly lies and they chose to become history. Actually they took my lies a bit too personally and then began hallucinating about things I had done or said. I was quite upset then but now when I look back, it was quite a sight and what exchange of words between the supposedly matured people. It was like two rats blaming each other for moving their cheese. It makes me laugh.

Ok, now before you begin to think every word I say is a lie, I do not lie as incessantly anymore and I dont know why. Maybe I am bored of this toy and need another one to toy around.

Thinking Aloud!

I just saw some pictures of two of my estranged friends while they were on vacation. Won’t deny for a moment I was terribly upset and jealous. I would certainly have loved to be there. But things are not the same as they used to be at the beginning of the year. One decided to throw me off the friends list and the other just decided to stop talking.

I have given it immense thought and certainly after getting upset and angry and agitated, I realised everybody has a right to make their choices. Am sure there is something that does not keep us as close as we were and if they choose to steer clear of my presence in their lives their reasons are certainly strong enough. It feels sad as I would have loved them to be a part of my life but nonetheless, like so many other things that ended in life this too had to end the way it did. Just sad the way things turned out but well when does it ever end well.

I had some great times with them and just do hope that with time we are able to get over the inexcusable incidents that shaped this departure.

This note would not be complete if I do not thank them for being there for me when I was far more clueless about myself than I am today. In their own way, they have helped me change a lot of things about myself which would not have been possible if they were not around to show me the mirror.

Yap Yap Yap....

Its been a slow day inspite of back to back meetings during the first half. Mom left for India on Monday and I am back to late evenings after work and no desire to head home. It has been sometime since I wrote anything ( a writer’s block J) and it would be silly to even suggest that I had nothing to write about. Life is so multi coloured there is always something to talk about. And I am quite known among friends as the possible winner of a talkathon hands down.

Have seen some average to bad Hindi movies but the spirit of a bollywood buff ceases to die. I was also out of touch with my reading. After a long while I had difficulty picking up a book to read and even if my hands could manage the weight of a book, I just read three or may be five pages of the book and dropped it off unmindfully. I was beginning to get concerned about my lack of intent to read and went and picked up a few books by Marquez. I started with one and said to myself, “this would get me back to reading!” It did not. I remember forcing my mother that day to Borders and after walking around the store for nearly an hour, my mother began to get irritable. In her very controlled temper she said,” you have picked this habit from your paternal grandfather.” Of course any habit that is not helping her has been picked up from my paternal side only in this case I smiled at her with pride and she just sighed with that expression, “I know it’s a good habit and I don’t have it in my genes.”

I was nearly walking out of the store without a book and that would have been documented into the rare occasions but I just remembered of Nick Hornby and I was pretty confident that if I start a book by him, I will get back to reading. So, I picked up this book and guess what ,I love it starting from the cover. Now I know who to go to each time I am off reading. Thanks to my estranged friend( of that later or may be never) who introduced me to this book.

I must share this with all since I think it is rather funny. The day my mother was leaving for India, she looked at me intently and said, “I need to ask you a little something.” I smiled with the expression, “Go On!” and wondering in my mind that the subject of marriage is about to be broached. It is an extremely tricky situation when you know that you are not going to see her for a long time and emotions are running rather high in the air and everywhere. I have such a super complicated situation and have only gone ahead and complicated it further by the day and leave aside explaining it to my mother, I cant even allow her to sense a part of the complication. Simply put, this silly side of me has taken away good many friends who I valued.

To my surprise she said, “Please leave this apartment as soon as you can. I have visited you everywhere you lived but I have never felt so much negativity in any apartment ever.” She was almost pleading. I was stumped because she was sharing my sentiments. For the longest time I have felt a certain uneasiness in my current apartment but I always told myself I was just trying to blame external factors for internal fuck ups. So, while it was somewhere at the back of my mind, I never really discussed it with any body. And here I have my mother suggesting just the same thing.

I could not resist telling her that I felt the same way but never really gave it so much credence. So, now I am getting calls from my friends who my mother has contacted after reaching India and they are all voicing the same opinion, “Leave that house. May be it is just a silly thought but wont harm you if you move out of that house”. Thankfully, I am due to leave this place in the next two months else I would be battling this with each one of them.

I guess all in all it has been an interesting time, the past few weeks. Fell ill, had my mother to pamper me all the time and experiencing my usual mood swings….

Realisation

Have you ever felt so fucked in your head that you would go to anybody for some advice? I have and each time I am faced with this confusion in my mind, I start looking for people to vent out the anarchy. Does it work? Well, I dont know since I have been going through this shit for the last two years and now I am beginning to realise how one spins his own web and then complains to the world.

I think at some point each of my friends have called me a whine and while I have continued to share my distress regardless, they have either got comfortable in the Big Man shoes or have just written me off. Whatever the case it only fucks me in the end.

A dear friend of mine even took the liberty to do a complete character analysis of me the other day and I was being so polite inspite of all the strange things he went on to say. I began feeling like I had buried something inside me and that just holds me back from reacting. I think being sensitive to others is not something that is valued at all quarters in life and I need to piece my life together to be able to know when to push the button and shove the useless ones out of my way.

Everyone deems it their right to trample all over me (exceptions dont react). And again who do I blame for all these reactions? Of course, my lost mind. All through my stay in Singapore for most of the time I have just gone with a writing on my forehead - "I am unhappy, any help?" and even before I utter a word people know how to just go on and on about life and obviously they ensure I hear the word loser with every word.

Thank you all for being the prick that each of you have been and better late but I have realised that being the good samaritan means utopia and i am not ready to reach there yet. Goes without saying, sun whether rising or setting has enough heat to burn your asses so just watch out next time you want to fit into my grandfather's shoes.